People have been asking me this, especially people who are close to me and have seem me struggling, breaking down, hurting, frustrating, raging, falling down again and again. They have seen me sobbing on the floor, literally and figuratively, and they ask me why? Why do I keep doing it if it’s this hard? Why don’t I stop and just enjoy life and do all the other things I love doing that don’t also make me cry, like laundry? Laundry has never made me cry, right?. (Well, actually it did once, but I was nine months pregnant with my third child and it was to be expected.)
I asked the question of my writing coach and she reminded me: I write because I am a writer. I have something to say, and as hard as it is to get the words out and sounding right, it is more devastating to keep them inside.
I write because I spend a day at the beach, and this is what I feel:
And oh, how her heart broke and swelled when she saw the sea. All the life it had given, all the life it had taken back. She could feel the struggle for life under the waves even as she felt the calm those great, lolling waves offered her.
The sea! The sea! She tasted the water, and it was the same as her tears, but it sparkled so, and the wind it brought made her think she had no use for tears anymore.
But it was a trick, for the moment she left the sea, the her heart despaired.
And even though I had these thoughts while sitting by the ocean, I couldn’t very well turn to the person sitting next to me and say them.
Besides, while I felt all this sitting on the shore, it wasn’t until I sat down to write that I knew how big and beautiful the thought was. My mind or my heart can start a thought but it takes my hands to finish it.
Now it’s posted on my blog and I hear my soul gasp—you’re not going to share this piece of me, are you? But I am. I did. It’s embarrassing, yes, but the gasp, the thrill—it’s also something to live for.
Maybe someone who reads this has felt the same about the sea. Maybe someone is struck by the newness of my thought in their head. Maybe someone will read that part again and wonder if I was writing about myself or about them.
Here they are, my words. I give them all to you.
With a gasp and a thrill, I give them all to you.
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Pasta with roasted vegetables & fresh garlic