Free Giveaway!

QUICKIE: Kevin just went to Costco.  I love when he goes to Costco because he always comes back with these.

 

 

(If the picture seems blurry, it’s not.  That’s just your eyes welling up with emotional tears.)

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Seems like all the popular bloggers are doing giveaways every other day, so I thought I’d throw myself in the throngs of popularity and do my own giveaway.  If nothing else, it might encourage CASEY to comment again, as it seems my blog has not been good enough for her the past few days.

 

The contest:

I walked downstairs last week to find this sign on the floor.

 

 

Readers, decide WHO placed this sign there.  Was it:

 

A) Vincenzo’s 8-year-old friend who visited last week
B) The babysitter
C) My husband
D) The Magical Pee Pee Fairy (in which case we should look under sign for a quarter)

 

Please cast your vote in the comments section.  I’ll randomly choose a winner from the vat of people who answer correctly.  Or maybe I’ll choose the person who has a correct answer AND the wittiest comment.  Or maybe I’ll make up some obscure rule when the contest is over to determine the winner.  And don’t forget to state your answer in the form of a question. 

 

As for prizes, you can choose between a set of blank homemade cards or a slightly used copy of Twilight (BARF). 

 

           or            

 

The contest ends at the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, September 2.  Good luck.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
I don’t know.  Go ask Mom.

Vincenzo’s many faces

QUICKIE: We asked Vincenzo what he wants for his birthday he answered.  “Maybe rocks.”  I think I’ll ask for the same thing for my birthday.  (K, please read: diamonds)

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No, we didn’t go to the fair again today.  I just haven’t quite gotten all the blogging of it out of my system yet.  Vincenzo went on rides for the first time, and his facial expressions tell all!

 

GLEE:

 

EXUBERANCE:

 

 

ELATION:

 

 

UNBRIDLED JOY:

 

 

Actually, that last one might be WHITE HOT TERROR.  That’s the only one I have a hard time deciphering.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:

Something someone else is slaving away at AS I TYPE.

Shoot. No, don’t shoot!

QUICKIE: Quote from Vincenzo yesterday: “I want to take my clothes off and wash this rock.”

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First and foremost, I’d like to apologize to the person who googled “wet t-shirt contest +  official rules” yesterday and ended up at my blog.  I admit, I was a little out of control.

 

So.  For three years I have tried hard to keep my son away from the whole shoot ‘em up bang bang thing that young American boys tend to gravitate towards.  Despite my best efforts, a few months ago he started pointing things at other things and saying, “pow” and “bang.”  I pleaded with him to give up warfare, to give hugs to his shooting targets instead, but he just kept on aiming his forks and tinker toys at them. 

 

After several weeks, I realized that the system is much bigger than me, and while I’ll continue to encourage hugging, chances are Vincenzo’s going to continue shooting.  But!  I am not completely defenseless.  In a stroke of genius, I was able to get Vincenzo to replace “pow” and “bang” with a high-pitched, sweet-sounding, “pa-ching,” much like the sound of a marshmallow or feather whizzing by your ear.

 

Today Vincenzo was pa-chinging all the flowers and trees on our walk and we passed a playground where some older, rougher boys were playing.  I realized that there will come a moment in my son’s life where he will be playing at recess, and he will point a stick at someone and say, “Pa-ching!”  The other boy will point a stick back and say, “KA-BOOM!”  And my son’s childhood will end right there.

You make the vote.  Am I a good mom or a bad one?

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:

Slow-cooked roast with half a bottle of wine and 13 cloves of garlic (because 20 seemed excessive, don’t you think?)

Roasted Root Vegetables

Salad with Blackberries and Candied Walnuts

Blender Peach Cobbler

Wet T-shirt contest!

QUICKIE: from: icanhascheezburger.com

 

 

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I was browsing through my blog statistics today and came upon two facts that are quite…interesting.  I’m not sure what to think of You anymore.

Interesting Observation #1: On the day I used the word “butt sex,” I got about three times the amount of usual traffic to my blog.  It’s been suggested to me that I randomly stick some words into my blog posts that catch the interest of certain people googling certain seedy things.  Not to worry, oh faithful readers; I would never stoop to such a dirty publicity stunt. *chesire cat grin*

 

Interesting Observation #2 My blog was picked up by Stanford’s “WellSphere” site—where people go to get answers to their medical questions.  I’m totally stoked, as I’ve always considered myself quite the expert on things I know absolutely nothing about, such as HOT LESBIAN ACTION.  It feels good to impart some of this knowledge on greater America, with Stanford proudly resting its highly-esteemed, medically-certified hand on my shoulder.  The picture is blurry, so if you want to see the reference to my blog IRL, go to http://stanford.wellsphere.com/wellmix360/wrist-cysts. 

 

 

 

I posted an hour early today!  Think I’ll spend naptime petting the cat instead of blogging.  Here, PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY!

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Going out w/the family

Rain rain go away

QUICKIE: We were naming colors the other day and I had just taught Vincenzo what “hot pink” was.  He pointed to another color and announced confidently, “Then that’s hot purple!”

 

It’s rainy and cold where I am so my job has changed from “hang out at beach” to “try to make Vincenzo think I’m playing with him while I really blog and scrapbook.”  When he starts noticing, I sit down and paint with him.  No, not painting like most boys and girls do, with a paintbrush and maybe, say, paint.  We’ve been painting as all Microsoft spawn paint: on the computer.  That way my bloggy friends are one click away should Vincenzo decide to engage in an alternative activity, like spraying water all over the kitchen. 

 

Enjoy two samples from today’s gallery.

 

OH, HAI.

 

 

OH, HAI.  HAI.  HAI.

 

Between that and teasing Vincenzo about how he pronounces “wheelie” (Oh?  Your motorcycle did another weewee?), not much to report on here.  I mostly just wanted to post because I feel braggy about tonight’s dinner.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Halibut with Lemon Splash and Tarragon Cream Sauce
Wild Mushroom Risotto
Sweet and Sour Beans
Cookies & Ice Cream

Fair-ly dysfunctional

QUICKIE: Vincenzo lifted up his shirt yesterday (he wasn’t wearing anything BUT  a shirt and asked, “Mommy, do you want to buy my penis?”

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More fair, as promised!

 

Here is Kevin wearing the shirt he has worn to every fair we’ve been to as a couple.  He’s “Oozing Machismo.”  Hands off, girls.  He’s MINE!

 

 

This is Kevin’s lucky shirt, straight from the arsenal of irresistible weapons he claims made me fall in love with him.  He actually put this shirt in the trunk of his car on our second date, which happened to go really well.  I’d personally like to take responsibility for the date going well, as I wore a skimpy tank top under my jean jacket.  I took my jacket off so I could jump higher at the jump reach station*, and Kevin commented, “Maybe if you take more clothes off you’ll jump even higher.”  Only it didn’t sound creepy then like it does now.

 

I guess in a way, the shirt did bring Kevin some luck, but I have to take you back to our first date to explain.  It was a blind date, and I have recreated part of our very first phone conversation leading up to our blind date.

 

Guy with Really Deep Voice: Okay, well, see you Friday.
Impoverished Schoolteacher: Wait!  How are we going to recognize each other?
GRDV: Oh yeah.  Uh…I know!  I will wear the ugliest shirt I own and you’ll know who I am right away because no one else would ever wear a shirt that ugly.
IS: …or you could just wear a nice button up shirt and I could wear an orange one.  No wait, I’ll wear a multicolored one with black pants.  Okay bye now.

 

I’m just saying that if Kevin had worn his Razor Ramon Oozing Machismo shirt, I would have run off with the baseball player who slipped me his telephone number while I was waiting for Kevin to show up at the coffee shop.**  Kevin was VERY LUCKY I stopped him from wearing the shirt.  And so you see, his lucky shirt really does work.

 

*We planned second date for the Science Center, and we had a fabulous time bouncing from display to display.  It wasn’t until halfway through the date that we realized we were actually at the Children’s Museum.

**Kevin happened to witness the phone number transaction but didn’t think much of it because he was patiently waiting for a girl in an ORANGE shirt to show up.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Chicken Marsala
Sweet & Sour Beans
Tomato, Blue Cheese, and Bacon Stacks
Cherries Jubilee

Deep-fried affair

QUICKIE: Vincenzo saw an Easter wreath in the closet today and said, “We use that when Easter’s coming up.  But Easter is down now.”

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We went to the Evergreen Fair yesterday and it did not disappoint.  I used to take picture of my child magically discovering the wonders of farm life and cotton candy and miraculous kitchen knives, but that got boring.  I chose a different slant for this year’s photography…

 

The Fair in Signs

 

(I just really liked the graphic.)

 

 

To clear up any confusion.

 

 

Um, Kevin?  Let’s get outta here.  Like NOW!

 

 

Ah, the reason we keep coming back each year.

 

 

Look how happy those candy bars and twinkies are in a vat of boiling hot oil.  They want us to choose them!

 

 

But wait…what’s this?  Are we reading that right?

 

 

Can you DO that?

 

 

Okay, technically this picture isn’t a fair sign but I couldn’t leave you without showing the fried Dr. Pepper that took 10 minutes of kitchen ingenuity to create.  And to answer the question you all are too shy to ask–YES, it DOES come in diet!!!!  (I’m not joking.)

 

This was so fun, I think I’ll write about the fair tomorrow.  Clogged arteries willing.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:

Spaghetti w/Meat Sauce

Garlic Bread

Salad with Apple and Gorgonzola

 

 

 

 

Butt what?

QUICKIE:  I found my glasses in the crisper drawer of the refrigerator yesterday.  That’s a new low even for me.

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My mom is going on a cruise this September and has set a goal to drink a cocktail a day.  Not because she usually gets crazy-drunk and ends up dancing topless on the bar but because she is so conservative she pretty much never drinks.  (She sometimes gets tipsy from her tiny sip of wine at church and has to clutch all the pews to make it back to her seat.)  Being a non-drinker, she has called each of her 5 children this week to ask us for drink ideas.  Ever the helpful children, we have been telling our mother to order drinks such as Sex on the Beach!  Screaming Orgasm!  and Buttery Nipple!  Mom gasps with shock, then whispers, “I can’t ask someone for a buttery NIPPLE!”  We’ve been practicing her miming skills with that one.

We didn’t stop there though.  Oh, no.  By the end of the week we started making up drink names, like Sucking Cowboy Cock!  and Butt Sex!  I’m starting to feel a bit guilty about it.  I have no idea what will happen when she asks a bartender for Butt Sex, but I guarantee it’s not going to be the dreamy concotion of bailey’s, kahlua, and grand marnier that we promised her.

We can only hope that Dad is too wasted from the Bud Light he smuggles onto the cruise to notice anything different about his wife.

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Spaghetti with Meat Sauce (thanks, Joan!)
Sufferin’ Succotash Take II
Mango Salsa and Chips Take II

Why I threw my camera away

QUICKIE: I couldn’t exactly take a picture of my camera in the trashcan, but I did take a picture of it from the trashcan.  Read below to find out why.

 

 

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This is probably the meanest thing I’ve ever done to myself.  I found a picture of from when I was oh about 4.5 months pregnant with Vincenzo a few years ago.  So just for kicks I took a picture of myself now (not pregnant at all).  See if you can tell which is the one from today.

 

 

 

If you guessed the one on the left,  bingo.  If you guessed the one on the right, then you obviously don’t know me because my hair is about a foot longer now.  If you guessed neither and just assumed I used some advanced photo shop skills to make my stomach look much, much larger than it actually is, then you totally rock and we should be best friends.

 

Blech.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:

Stomach-thinning hamburgers with goat cheese and mango salsa

Waist-trimming peach upside-down cake

What’s WRONG with me?

QUICKIE:  I got nothin’.  You?

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I can’t do it.  I can’t keep the beautiful Louis Vuitton bag that Kevin spent an entire day picking out for me.  Even though I know I’m not going to spend that money saving orphans in Tezbekistan (is that one of the “istans?”), the fact that I could was making me feel incredibly guilty.   I am letting K buy me a different bag instead—one that is also normally way out of my price range, but only enough to fix a handful of cleft palates, which is a level of guilt that I can live with.

 

 

I know, I know.  It’s like trading in a diamond necklace for a rhinestone one because you like rhinestones better.  I’m an idiot.

 

In other news…Vincenzo’s friend Miguel came over last night.  She is a blond-haired, fair-skinned, petite little girl who prefers the name Miguel over her own.  And Vincenzo is Abby.  Neither looked confused when we used their alter-ego names, though they did look confused when we kept calling Vincenzo “D.”  I can’t explain that one—he just started calling himself D at 18 months and looked pissed when we asked if he was trying to say “me” or “V” or anything else that remotely made sense.  So D he has been for half his life now.

 

At any rate, Miguel (who is also sometimes David) and Abby and D, with their alternate identities, are going to be way ahead of the game when it comes their time for Internet dating.  Is anyone seeking a petite, blond, hispanic male who loves Prada?  (You can thank me later, Casey.)

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Mo’ biscuits & gravy
Fried eggs
Sufferin’  Succotash
Carrot cake
Banana cheesecake (Jnet swear it’s going to taste good)