This was part of my gift to McStreamy. If you have any other advice, add it in the comments!
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT
Advice from a mom of two who knows significantly less now than she did before
1. The only person who wants to hear your baby’s age in weeks is the pediatrician. To everyone else, it’s simply, “4 months.”
2. Do not change diapers between the hours of 9PM and 5AM unless you can actually see poop oozing out of the diaper somewhere. Your baby will be fine.
3. Hold your baby.
4. Stash binkies, diapers, and wet wipes everywhere—in the glove compartment, in your purse, at Grandma’s house. You will think you are a genius when you are having a diaper or binky emergency and remember they are there. Then you will remember it’s really me that’s the genius because I told you to stock them.
5. If baby gets out of his swaddle, it’s not because “he wants to be out.” It’s just because you suck at swaddling. Add this advice to anything else you’ve read:
a. Pin his arms down at his sides
b. Use two blankets (double wrap)
6. If anyone tells you that you’re spoiling the baby by feeding him too often or picking him up too much, look the baby firmly in the eye and say, “No, you can’t have a pony.” Look back at the person who thought you were spoiling him and say, “There, that ought to fix it.” Then pick your baby up and feed him.
7. Hold your baby.
8. Take lots of pictures of your newborn with your hands next to his head, your hands next to his hands, and your hands next to his feet—you’ll love seeing how tiny he started out. (Having your hands in the picture is a good relative-size indicator.)
9. Skip the baby shoes—unless they’re Robeez. I’ve seen moms who somehow get shoes to stay on their babies’ feet, but none of them have ever told me the secret.
10. If you do learn how to make shoes stay on your baby’s feet, call me.
11. Sleep is going to become a very big deal for you. Read a bunch of books about how to get baby to sleep through the night, then put them away and do what works for you. If you all get more sleep by just nursing him, go for it. If you are going to FRIGGIN’ SHOOT SOMEBODY if you have to get up and nurse one more time, then close the door to the nursery and let the baby cry it out. Never discuss sleep strategies between the hours of 1AM and 5AM; start out the night knowing your plan and try to stick to it. If you do choose to let your baby cry it out, I’ve found it’s best to spend those nights watching TV or reading or doing anything other than trying to sleep. It’s impossible to sleep if your baby cries, then stops for a few seconds, then starts, then gets loud, then stops for a minute, then starts again…
12. Hold your baby.
13. Whenever you get together with other moms-of-babies, be sure to tell them all the latest accomplishments your baby has made and have your baby demonstrate all these accomplishments in front of the other moms. Unless, of course, you want to be friends with them.
14. Never buy anything at Gymboree or The Children’s Place for full price. There will be a 20% off coupon in the mail next week.
15. Hold your baby.
16. It’s okay to skip Santa pictures and the porcelain handprints and the bronzed shoes if you think they’re tacky. Not that I think they’re tacky or anything…
17. If you are having a rough time with baby (and you will have rough times with the baby), repeat to yourself, “This too shall pass.” Have the nursery wallpapered with phrase.
18. Hold your baby.