Mrs. Mouthy’s Chi

I went to a nutritionist yesterday about some really nasty canker sores and now I need a new coat.

It’s like this: I’ve been dealing with some truly terrible canker sores lately. Actually, it started about 10 years ago when toothpaste began making my mouth explode in canker sores. I switched toothpastes and life went back to normal.

Fast forward a few years and suddenly artificial sweeteners started causing riots of canker sores in my mouth, so I stopped drinking diet soda. It was crazy hard. There should be an AA thing for people who have to give up diet soda.

Fast forward to last year and coffee started doing it. Coffee. Even one sip of coffee turns my mouth into a battle ground. Two sips and my tongue swells up as an encore.

This was bad, guys. This was really bad.

And now, as of last week, my mouth can’t handle citrus fruits, pineapple, or tomatoes. I have become one of those people who sends you a list of foods I can’t eat if you invite me over to dinner. Which you probably won’t.

So, yeah. Canker sores are stupid. My mouth is stupid.

I told my dentist and doctor about the canker sores. They looked in my mouth and said, “Huh.”

So I decided to go to a nutritionist.

I had never been to a nutritionist before and thought it would kind of be like a doctor’s appointment, minus the lab coat, plus some smelly candles.

Instead, by the end of the 90 minutes, I found myself naked on a massage table with needles in my ears, having my channels opened and my chi put back in place.  (Before you get the wrong idea, I was naked underneath a blanket.)

Bless her, I think this nutritionist was as surprised by me as I was of her.

She kept saying she didn’t want to do anything that made me uncomfortable. Absolutely everything that happened next made me uncomfortable. Like when she said she wanted to stick needles in my  ears. I told her I was uncomfortable. I was very uncomfortable! She held my feet and said some calming words and then asked if I felt more comfortable now and I said, “Just do it. Just do it and don’t tell me about it.” So she did.

As I lay there, wondering what I looked like with needles poking out of my ears, she told me to access my childhood Rachel. “Ask her what Little Rachel wants.” Then she wanted me to tell her what Little Rachel, so I answered truthfully that Little Rachel said she wanted a scoop of Rainbow Sherbet. We had an awkward convo about Rainbow Sherbet vs Daiquiri Ice while the she worked to reverse the flow of energy in my body so my canker sores would go away.

Then she said, “Your eyes are very open,” because I guess most people close their eyes when other people start sticking needles into their ears, and she asked what I was thinking about now. I told her there was this really cool bump on her ceiling that I was thinking about, because that’s what I was thinking about. She told me maybe I should close my eyes for a bit.

Then I started thinking about this  creepy date I had in college where I knew within two minutes of showing up to the guy’s house that I had made a mistake, but I politely stayed for dinner—and also to because neither of us had a car and his roommate with a car was supposed to be there but for some totally legit reason was not. Then, due to a miscommunication, he ended up trying to give me a massage, at which point I remembered BUSES! There are BUSES that go by here! And I high-tailed it out.

Anyway, this kind of felt like that. Only substitute “massage” with “needles.”

Kevin asked me if I’ll be going back to the nutritionist and I told him if I ended up naked and with needles sticking out all over my body on our first date, I can’t even imagine what would happen on our second date. No; I won’t be going back.

Except.

Except that she called an hour after the appointment to say I had left my coat there and I could come by in the next hour to pick it up.

At which point I came to the conclusion, which, if you remember, was also the introduction of this post:

It’s time to get a new coat.

(And also to see an allergist, who I hope  to goodness is wearing a lab coat when I show up.)

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Corned beef
Baked Potatoes
Kiwi
Broccoli
Chocolate mint chip cake

Is Anyone Out There?

Sometimes I feel like this blog is one of those devices that sends pings out into space just in case some aliens happen by and hear the pings, even though that’s a fairly ridiculous notion. But I love the fairly ridiculous, so here I am, sending out another round of blips. I’m delving into family life today, so let me give you the run-down on all the other Mouthies.

Vincenzo, is slowly, sloooowly pulling his grades up this quarter.* Of course, two of his classes are PE and this week he has a hurt hand so I’m not sure how long he can hold onto those As. (Get it? Hold on? With a hurt hand?) Vincenzo has learned to resist my Type A tendencies as bad as Kevin has though. Like the other day, I learned that his friend, who is also 13, is on the board, the board, for Water First, which got me to thinking about how Vincenzo doesn’t volunteer for anything, which got me to telling Vincenzo he should think about volunteering for something, which made Vincenzo say, “Is this about my friend being on the board for Water First,” which made me say, “No! What makes you think that?!” Then Vincenzo volunteered to eat the first brownie out of the pan I had just set on the counter. He then told Leo he could eat the second and Rocco he could eat the third, and then he started calling himself a volunteer coordinator. I just shook my head and walked away. How can you work with that?!

Leo is starting to outgrow his snuggly phase, which is absolutely killing me. Actually, he outgrew it in a two day time span  when he started screaming or saying I hurt him every time I gave him a hug or kiss, and that was pretty much that. He’s so darn cute still that it takes a herculean amount of willpower not to try anyway.

But he’s not all the way grown up yet. He still says, “I’m make sure-ing to do my homework.” So there’s that.

At Sunday school, he did such a nice job coloring the handout again.

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At first we thought he was being unchristian, telling others not to touch the paper. But then we talked ourselves into believing he did it for the good of others. Maybe the paper has cholera on it, and he’s trying to save everyone! Or typhoid! Or at the very least, someone could get a nasty paper cut if they touched the paper.  Leo is a freaking humanitarian.

Rocco is his usual big-eyed, big-thinking self. He designed his own experiment for the science fair, which involved building a lot of Lego boats. Normally he builds these boats while taking baths, and I offered to come in there and take pictures for the science fair, but he decided to get out and put on some clothes for the occasion. (Talk about someone who’s growing up too fast!)

He’s at a stage where he thinks it’s hilarious to interpret questions in the most literal way possible. I’ll say, “Wait a second,” and he’ll say, “Okay. One thousand one. I waited a second!” Stuff that is completely unfunny to anyone over the age of 7 (I’d like to point out that he’s 9) but which he keeps doing despite us telling him over and over again that it’s not funny and in fact it makes us want to rip our hair out. At which point he pantomimes ripping his hair out and says, “Like this?”

Onto the biggest Mouthy: Kevin. He made a card for me for Valentine’s Day. I kind of love this little guy. (The robot, not Kevin.) (I mean, I love Kevin too but he would piledrive me if I ever called him “little guy.”)

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The robot’s holding a pencil on a string because there were some questions to answer inside the card. There were also a lot of rainbow heart stickers.

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For a gift, he got me an outfit. (!!)

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As I opened it, he told me proudly he made it himself.

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He started to demonstrate how to put it on but I snatched it up and told him I love my new bookmark.

So, I hope you have enjoyed this foray into the family life of Mrs. Mouthy. Please seek out my blips floating around space again.

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Meatloaf
Mashed potatoes
Gravy
Lemony garlicky beans
Roasted squash

*A couple hours after writing that, I check V’s grades and saw he has gotten 5 straight F’s in English, so yeah. But I’m leaving that sentence there to remember that for a short period of his life, he was getting okay grades and I was not breathing fire down his neck.

Chapter One

After 18 months, hundreds of thousands of words, one writing coach, three books about plot, four books about You’re Okay!, a prescription for medication, and countless hours telling everyone around me I don’t know how to do this, I finally bucked up and brought the first chapter of my novel to critique group. Just one chapter. After all that.

And you guys–they loved it.  They really, really, loved it.  I felt like Sally Freaking Fields sitting there, feeling how much everyone loved me. I mean it.  How much they loved it.

So then I drove home, went to bed, woke up, and realized I’m too terrified to work on the novel now. I feel like chapter one was a fluke. Chapter two is a major let-down. If I bring it to critique group, they’ll know I’m a fraud. They have no idea what a mess the rest of the book is or that if someone offered to write the book for me, I’d hand them all my notes then take off for Bora Bora and never look back.

But I fired up the laptop today anyway because it’s what I do, and I wrote a bit, and I didn’t like what I wrote at all, but then I remembered that’s how I’ve felt about my writing nearly every day of the past 18 months, and yet somehow it’s working. I wish this whole writerly life thing were easier for me, but I’ve read enough Self-Help for Authors books by now to know that crippling doubt and a sense of complete disaster is part of the writerly life. Sometimes it feels like it’s all of the writerly life. (The fact that there are so very many Self-Help Author books out there should have been a bit of a clue.) 

It’s complicated, because doing what I love the most is also the thing that frustrates me the most.

But oh, when it makes me happy—oh!

If writing were a boyfriend, you all would be telling me to GET OUT of that relationship, giiirrrrl! It’s abusive, it’s controlling, it makes me feel bad about myself, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. To which I would say, “But I love him.” I mean it! I do. Stop looking at me like that! Whatever.

The thing is, I’m nothing without my words. That’s not to say I have no value without words; it’s just that my whole being, my very soul, is all tangled up with words and it’s an eye stabbing mess, but it’s my mess and to untangle me from my words or my words from me would be to ruin us both.

So I sit here in my big tangle and try to pull out a long, lovely piece of yarn to share with you.  Maybe some day the tangle will be all straightened out and I can book that ticket to Bora Bora.

But I sure as hell hope not.

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Florentine Frittata
Garlic beans
Reese’s PB cup cookies

(I wrote this blog post to take a break from writing. I guess that says something about me—that I fill my writing breaks with writing.)

Leo’s 7, Part II

Picking up where we left off…

Leo is a generous, kind, sensitive, screamy, hard-working, emotional, loving boy.  He’s also completely ridiculous, like when we watch the Titan Games. Leo sets up a bunch of furniture and obstacles and when the buzzer dings on TV, he starts leaping and running and pushing and arm-hammering until he grabs the imaginary relic then lays on the ground, a hot, sweaty, panting puddle.  The other night I was so busy watching Leo that I forgot to watch the TV.  I asked Kevin who won and Leo said, “I did!”  Like, duh.

His favorite thing in the world (other than winning the Titan Games and playing video games) is to fight Kevin.  The following pictures depict a typical round of battle.

Rear Naked Choke!

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Head Scissors!

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Back Rake!

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Tree of Woe!

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Heart Remover!

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Calf crusher! 

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(Screaming, screaming, SCREAM!)

Rage Quit!

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Out of Order!

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The Whine Maker!

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(A.k.a. the Screamy Pouty Self-pitying Slumping off)

I don’t blame him, either.  Kevin makes me feel like that an awful lot, too.

Leo loves to give, and it doesn’t matter if you ask for his favorite sticker or his last quarter.  As long as your name isn’t Rocco, he’ll give it to you.

He’s a boy of extremes.  He loves math.  Hates writing.  Loves pasta.  Hates mustard.  Loves soccer. Hates losing.  Loves pudding.  Hates cake.  (Especially hates when we tell him he loves cake.  He says he never did; we just thought he did.  I say I’ve got two years of blog posts that prove differently.  He would have starved to death around age 3 if it weren’t for cake.)

Sometimes I worry Leo’s got my hard-to-manage mood swings and will have as tough a time I’ve had trying to stop my emotions from jerking me from one place to another.  But if he does, at least he’ll have an expert who can help him deal with those debilitating mood swings.  (That would be Kevin, of course.)

Leo has a speech impediment that makes him unintelligible to 75% of English speakers but which also makes him 100% adorable.  (There are times I wish I couldn’t understand him, but that’s beside the point.)  The school nurse called the other day to say Leo had gotten a head bump at school.  It took her ten seconds to tell me about the bump and five minutes to tell me how adorable he is.  She’s probably never put him in a calf crusher before though.

Leo is my snuggler.  He saves a seat for me at dinner.  He crawls into my lap when we watch movies.  He melts into me when I read stories.  I still get a baby fix when I kiss his cheek or smell his hair or hold his soft hand in mine.  He makes me understand that creepy mom in the book I’ll Love You Forever who presses herself up to her grown son’s house to say the “I’ll love you forever” thing.  Leo is turning me into that mom.

Leo, if you happen to read this some day, thanks for all the cuddles.  Thanks for the scavenger hunts, the bad knock-knock jokes, for all the winning, the Eskimo kisses, and the retellings of Garfield comics.  You make me feel like sometimes life isn’t moving forward at breakneck speed.  Sometimes, life is as patient and lovely as an afternoon snuggling and reading to you and your stuffie of the week.

I wouldn’t trade a minute with you for all the quarters in the world.

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
I’m out tonight, so I’m guessing Kevin gave each of the boys a spoon and a carton of ice cream?

Leonardo, Age 7

I had to double check the the title after I wrote it.  7?  Seven?  The math checks out, even though Leo’s birthday was essentially canceled due to Snowmageddon.  (I throw up a little bit in my mouth every time I write that.) 

Yes, we had to cancel Leo’s birthday, but he didn’t care because SNOW!!  He was so excited about SNOW!  On his birthday!  Then I said, “Let’s go outside and go sledding!”  And he wilted.  “Can I just stay inside?”

Still, Leo didn’t even flinch when we told him we had to cancel his birthday party for now.  This kid who goes completely ape when his brother says “meow” to him was totally cool when his Chuck E. Cheese birthday party got canceled.  He’s a mystery.  Meow meow.

He didn’t ask for gifts this year–just donations to the homeless, who he prays for every night.  He says when he grows up he wants to be a millionaire so he can buy everyone houses.  Around these parts, that’s going to make one person really happy.

Even though he didn’t ask for gifts, his family had fun finding things for him anyway, and the gifts say a lot about who he is.

Gift #1: a box of quarters

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The perfect gift for a kid who owns a gumball machine, a cotton candy maker, and a claw machine.  Every Wednesday after capoeira, he goes to the quarter machines to do some shopping, and don’t try to tell him he’s throwing his money away.  He’ll hold up a microscopic pink rubber unicorn and smile like a lawyer who just won a big case.  And it’s true.  The joy this kid gest from spending a quarter each week on a tiny piece of plastic is worth the $.25. 

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We’re going to have to make sure Leo never finds out about Vegas.

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Gift #2: A pink laser gun

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It’s his favorite.  After an epic battle in which he kills all the zombies and their mothers, he comes up to me and says, “Some people think pink is just for girls, but they’re wrong.  Pink is for people who like pink.”  Then he shoots the zombie that was just about to eat my brains and tells me to thank him later.

Gift #3: A handful of coupons.

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Including, but not limited to: one family royal rumble, double dessert dinner, his favorite breakfast, a few video game sessions, and one week immunity for his duck stuffie, which Kevin frequently punts “into next week.”  I love the look on Leo’s face when he hands me a coupon.  It’s a look that says, “I’m getting away with this, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”  The coupons have an expiration date on them of January 1, 2020.  The night of his birthday, he asked, “Do the coupons start to get moldy on January 1?”  Not even joking.

Gift #4:

A trip to Great Wolf Lodge, presented in puzzle form.

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He opened it up to find a box of puzzle pieces, which he tossed to the side.  “I don’t like puzzles.”  We practically had to bribe him to do it, then we all sat there trying not to completely lose our marbles as he made all the wrong moves and yelled at us any time we tried to help.  There were no fireworks when he finished the puzzle.  I think we were all too emotionally spent by then to show any excitement.

Gift #5:  A two pound bag of gumballs

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He is very generous with his gumball machine, which may have a little to do with why Rocco wanted to give him a two pound bag of gumballs.

Gift #6:  A sequin narwhal named Arlo

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He loves sparkles, sequins, and stuffed animals.  He loves them for exactly two weeks, then gives them to me to watch for him.  I have started calling my bedroom the orphanage.

Gift #7: Garfield attire

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He’s obsessed with Garfield comics.  He talks about Jon as if he is a member of our family.  He’ll start laughing in the middle of dinner saying, “You know what Jon did the other day?”  Yes, we all know what Jon did the other day.  He tells us anyway and doesn’t even notice the rest of us have instantaneously fallen asleep.

So the boy who had everything now has absolutely everything.  It is truly a joy to spoil someone who asks for so little.  I’ll post more about him tomorrow, once I run the numbers on his age again to make sure that he really is seven years and that it’s not a clerical error.

WHAT’S COOKIN‘ 2NITE:
Spinach ricotta cannelloni (for us)
Ham and swiss quiche (for them)
Edamame (for everyone)
Blondies with ice cream and caramel sauce (for me, all for me)

Snow Days

Okay, the truth is that the snow was crazy amounts of fun.  Well, the first four days of it were, and since then we’ve all just been staring out the windows as the snow veerrrry slowly melts, like a guest who has overstayed their welcome and who has royally messed up the place.

But before that, it was like the mountains had come down from their lofty place in the sky to grace us with their presence.

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Normally when it snows in Seattle we feel equal parts excited and anxious.  Excited because it snowed!  It really snowed!  Anxious because we have three hours to play in it before it melts away and we’re back to a gray world, like, snow?  What snow?  This time was different because it kept snowing and snowing and snowing and no matter how many times we sledded down the hills, there was never a moment of panic that any minute now the snow would disappear and we’d be sitting ridiculously on our sleds in the middle of a soggy, grassy hill.

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Around here, everyone is their best self on a snow day.  Neighbors shovel each other’s driveways.  People leave sleds by their doors with signs saying, “Borrow me!”  Those with four-wheel drive text everyone within five miles to see if they need anything from the store.  You set food on the picnic table for the same creatures you normally shoo off the picnic table.

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There’s something about a snow day that makes really bad ideas seem like good ones.  Like the time Kevin laid on an inner tube, then I put an inner tube on top of him and laid on that one and we went down the hill like a club sandwich.  Or how Kevin kept filling a Rubbermaid tub with snow to build walls halfway down the hill and kids would aim straight for them, hoping for a good crash.  Or the game the boys invented where ten kids lined up on their sleds at the top of the hill, two kids were it, and everyone else tried to crash into them and knock them off their sleds.  Normally, all of those would be the worst ideas ever.  But on a snow day, they are brilliant, and we laughed and laughed in between the annoying bouts of crying.

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I love that snow days make it okay to play hooky and not take the blame for it.  You shrug.  “It was the snow,” and everyone agrees.  It wasn’t our fault; it was the snow.

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And so, to summarize:

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I heart snow days.

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Gnocchi in tomato broth
Ham
Strawberries ‘n cream
Cherry charlottes with vanilla ice cream

Captain’s Log, Day 3

It’s day three of Snowmageddon.  Morale is so low I have started using that word.    Water rations are also low.  The soda stream ran out of carbonation and we have to drink flat bath water.  The goldfish were “too chewy” for the kids and someone looted all the marshmallows from our box of Lucky Charms.  We ran out of Oreo cookies.  I will try to make my own today, but no one is holding out hope.  We had to cancel Leo’s birthday party, and to make things fair we went ahead and canceled all birthday parties for the year.  I haven’t seen the children since they caught me watching YouTube videos about cutting hair.  I’m writing this blog post on our last roll of toilet paper.  I don’t know how long it will be before it is discovered and all these words will be flushed away.

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(Vincenzo smiles bravely while Leo screams in terror and Rocco eats lunch.)

Someone’s coming. G2G

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Unlucky Charms
Nothing Like the Real Thing Oreos