That stinks!

We’ve known about Vincenzo’s aversion to wiping, flushing, and washing his hands when he drops a deuce for quite some time now.  We weren’t inclined to do anything about it until Christmas Eve when, shortly after this picture was taken…

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…it was time to put pants on and go to church.  Unfortunately, Vincenzo’s two pairs of jeans were in the laundry, reeking of three-day-old skid marks.  It was either wear a scrubby pair of sweat pants to Christmas Eve service or wear the poopy pants and as the bible mentions a lot about what God sees but virtually nothing about what God smells, I opted for the stinky jeans.  (This is why there is a series of books called “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” but there should never, ever be a “Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants.”)

It’s unfortunate that the church was as packed as it was.  It was like we were a can of sardines, and some jerk sardine had farted in the can.  Every time V stood or sat during the service we were all reminded of what the stable where Jesus was born truly smelled like.  The guy next to me kept checking the bottoms of his shoes, presumably for dog poop.  I kept pointing to the kid in front of us and holding my nose.

So this week I made Vincenzo a long overdue chart.  I’m sure you all have similar types of chore charts where your kid does something good and then gets a reward.

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Now, Vincenzo gets a chocolate chip at the end of each day that he wipes, flushes, and washes.  And the rest of us get peace of mind that the brown smudges on his fingers are chocolate rather than fecal matter.

Probably.

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Lasagna (that I never made last week)
Peas with roasted onion and mint
Bread
Peppermint chocolate ice cream cake

I’ll have nothing to blog about after Christmas.

But until then, you can enjoy our family’s merry Christmas anecdotes.

1. Despite Vincenzo’s iffy belief in Santa this year, we happened upon one at a mall and there was no line so we walked on up to him.  It went downhill from there.

Santa: Is there anything special you’d like for Christmas?
Vincenzo: I’d like an ordament. 
Santa: An ornament?
Vincenzo: Yes.  I want you to hide an ordament on the tree on Christmas morning.
Santa, gesturing to a store across from him:  Ho ho ho, and there are so many nice ornaments right in this store here called Hallmark.  You could go over there and buy one for yourself right after you talk with me!

‘Tis the season to be commercial.

2.  Every year when I go to put lights on the tree I somehow get electrocuted by the Christmas lights.  Kevin doesn’t believe me.  Every year this happens, every year there is cursing and hopping around holding my wounded hand, every year there is Kevin touching the same broken light that zapped me and saying, “See?  Nothing.”  Well this year I actually got an electrical burn to prove it.

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Do you see it?  Just WNW of the freckle?

Yeah.  Kevin doesn’t see it either.  But it’s there.  I just hope that next year I remember all the electrical burns of Christmases past and put on my rubber kitchen gloves before getting electrocuted instead of after.

3.  Sorry we missed your call…

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4.  Just before leaving for the Christmas Eve service, I asked Vincenzo to put on some shoes.

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I’m not sure which problem I should address first…the red heels or the lack of pants.  But, as the mathematicians know, two negatives make a great blog post.

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WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Going out

The Nativity in the Eyes of a Child

Over the past couple weeks Vincenzo has delighted in arranging and rearranging the Christmas nativity scene…while I myself have delighted in taking pictures of the various arrangements and adding commentary.  Merry Christmas early, everyone.

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WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Dungeness crab risotto
Roasted red pepper and tomato soup (from a box)
Something vegetabley
Santa Claus cookies

3 Things You Should Know

1.  My husband, I may have mentioned, has a serious wooting problem.  I’m sure you’ve all been to the woot website—I’m sure you all go there several times a day, as my husband does—but I’m also sure you have better taste and judgment than my husband and you resist that urge to “Want One!”  Last Christmas I gave him a certificate to woot one thing over the course of the year.  He wooted three gigantic, blow-up airplanes, three flying helicopter thingies, two knives, one computer, and a half dozen shirts with sayings that are only funny the first time you read them.  He couldn’t help it.  He has a chronic case of Wootitis.

2.  Vincenzo’s nickname is D (he named himself D when he was 18 months old and it’s just kind of stuck).

3.  Today, Kevin sent me this poem.

We dwell on the past, while living the present
But I admit, the past was unpleasant
Full of ups and downs, less pleasure more pain
We wished for the sun, but only got rain
We both made mistakes, put pain in our hearts
But here we are again, promising to never part
Counting our blessings and letting go of the past
Starting all over and making it last
I may have just wooted for D
I hope you can forgive me
Feelings and memories flow deep in my mind
Of those days our love was genuine and kind
Holding you close, feeling your skin
You look into my eyes and make my head spin
Those feelings are back, but stronger than ever
I know you’re the one I wanna hold on to forever
We both smile again, nothing’s better than this
Kissing you again was like our second first kiss.

– Giselle Simental –

So Kevin, if you’re reading this, I have a little poem for you.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you woot one more time
I will divorce you

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Crab stuffed potatoes
Hopefully some other things that magically appear