I’m Googlicious

QUICKIE: I hope I don’t embarrass anyone too badly, but this is too good not to share: When one of my friends yelled to her husband to grab a Kotex, he yelled back, “Are those the pillows or the torpedoes?”
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Things people have searched for and ended up at my blog (I’ve mentioned some before but they’re good enough to write again):

1.  butt sex
2.  wet t-shirt contest rules
3. vincenzo matrix
4.  Kevin the great
5. my boobs are so much bigger than

I’m sure my blog satisfied all.  Now I think we should all take a few minutes to Windows Live Search for what our own boobs are bigger than.

Truly the Worst Xmas Gift Ever

QUICKIE:  I just wanted to thank Andrea for posting a picture of her fridge in response to last week’s post.  It confirms what I thought about my readers: you’re a bunch of smarta**es like me.

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And now for the Humor Bloggers’ best/worst Christmas gift ever.  My worst gift ever comes to you straight from last week and involves a large box, some very tiny berries, and about $1,200.

This year, Kevin’s gift was going to blow all other gifts out of the holy water.  He had heard about something called Miracle Fruit that, when eaten, makes anything you eat afterwards taste sweet, no matter its natural flavor.  Well I happened to find a web site that sold them and I purchased a box of 30 fruit for $35.  Su-weet!  A $35 miracle!

My first clue that something was up happened when a $90 bill showed up on the credit card for a company called Miracle Fruits Exchange.  I spent the next few days trying to open the receipt they sent me via e-mail, to no avail.  Meanwhile, the box was delivered.  I took its picture next to a quarter so you can see the general size of it.  Not too shabby, eh?

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And inside that box was another box.

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And inside that box lay a packet of miracle fruit.

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There it is!  A miracle!  My quarter grew eight times in size!

Well, actually, my quarter didn’t change size at all.  You are looking at a $90 packet of 30 very small berries, people.  I felt like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, when he finally receives the Little Orphan Annie decoder pin, only to find out the secret message is an ad about Ovaltine.

Meanwhile, our bank kept calling about recent credit card activity.  They do this often so we didn’t panick at all.  But when we tried to use our credit card and found out the account had been blocked, we panicked a little bit.  Turns out SOMEONE had gotten our credit card info and ordered over $1,000 in cash advances and other purchases to be sent to Romania.  It felt creepy.

Kevin checked out the Miracle Fruits Exchange site, which now looked completely different from anything I remember seeing, and which also sold miracle fruit for $90 not $35, and which also bought their security license the day after I ordered my miracle fruit.

We haven’t tried any of the miracle fruit yet but I’m pretty sure after everything I went through to get it, it’s just going make everything taste bitter.  Next year I think I’ll just get Kevin a tie.

Oh man you must be SO jealous!

QUICKIE: Kevin, looking at my blog stats: “Those look a lot like the Microsoft stock price this week.”
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You know how Pamela Anderson got discovered out of a crowd of 10,000 at a football game when a camera randomly put her up on the big screen?  Okay, her GIGANTIC BREASTS might have caused a slight shift in the gravitational field, pulling the camera lens in their direction and making her discovery not 100% random, but who cares?  My DDDs got noticed this weekend too!  I got featured on a really cool site!  Good Mom/Bad Mom linked to me in a VERY prominent place, 3/4 of the way down the page, at the all-important “belly button” of the post.  Now I get to add this badge to my trophy case! 

gmbmbadge.jpg

I’m going to have to buy more varnish.

Anyway, I’m honored to be featured on the site that introduced me to human heads hidden on a broccoli package.  This shout-out will probably kickstart my sexy career as a Playboy model with a sex tape.  But I’ve GOT to remember to schedule that Hepatitis C vaccination…

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Pear/Gorgonzola Pizza
Twice Baked Sweet Potatoes

LOSERS.

QUICKIE: K to V: “We don’t have time to go to the park.”  V: “Well can you get some time Daddy?”  K: “No; I can’t do that.”  V: “Yes, you can just put some on your phone.”

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Exciting news!!!!!  The free giveaway contest is over and I am proud to announce the grand prize…the grand prize…the…well…hm. 

 

There were 7 entries, and all except the one who voted for “D: Pee-pee fairy” must have cheated they all guessed “C: My Husband.”  I’d like to give these contestants credit for not getting caught during the actual test because I was watching like a hawk and didn’t see so much as a wayward, morse-code pencil tap.  C is also a safe choice because we all know that teachers put the correct answer in C’s spot approximately 95% of the time.

 

Unfortunately, I have to announce that the correct answer was “B: The Babysitter.”  (Hey, he only charges $4.00 an hour, and that’s AFTER I gave him a $2.00 raise!)

 

I’d still like to choose a winner, to make it official, so let’s examine the entries together.

 

There were 7 answers entered, but from only 5 contestants.  Elizabeth, it seems, entered 3 answers, which would have been ingenious had she changed the answer each time.  But she didn’t, making her wrong not once but THREE times and landing her at the bottom of the pile.  And not to nitpick, but she also forgot to phrase her answer in the form of a question.  3 times.  Thank you for your undeniable enthusiasm, though.

 

Ileana earns creativity points for choosing the Pee-Pee Fairy, but if she had done her research she’d know that the Pee-Pee Fairy only leaves Susan B. Anthony coins and not quarters under such signs.  Sorry, Ileana.

 

Superblondgirl’s answer really stands out, as it is the longest one and I always give an A to the student with the longest answer on any given multiple choice test.  However, superblondgirl made a fatal flaw in drawing attention to the time of her entry: 11:16EST on Tuesday night.  The contest officially ended at the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, which occurred exactly 11 hours and 16 minutes previous.  (Do the math.)

 

As for Dan, bold move entering your answer today, but contest ended several cyber years ago.

 

In fact, according to the Stroke of Midnight, Casey was the only one who answered within the official time limit.

 

But Casey?  Really??!   Casey already won the one and only other contest I’ve had (actually, she asked for a contest and then declared herself the winner), and I’m afraid all this winning is going to her head.  I’m sorry, Casey, but I’m going to have to confiscate your win.

 

So, it is now time to decide the winner, and to at the same time avenge my neighbor for disrespecting my VERY CREATIVE block party sign.  Ileana, as the contestant with the MOST CREATIVE answer, I declare you…WINNER!!!  E-mail me with your choice of prize and I’ll send it to you stat.

 

Now, I think an awful lot of you owe my husband an apology.  You may begin now.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE
Peanut Butter Bacon Burgers (don’t judge until you’ve tried ‘em yourself!)
Roasted Vegetables

Y’all don’t be leavin’ now, y’hear?

QUICKIE:  No time for quickie–babysitting 8-month-old 2day!

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Let me tell you a story.  One year I went to see Vince Gill at the Gorge.  He was the headline name, and all day we politely enjoyed the other concerts but we were really just there to see Vince.  When he finally came on the stage, his voice was quiet, he just stood in one spot the whole time, and then everyone in the audience simultaneously remembered that none of us even liked Vince Gill’s songs in the first place.  So we got up and left.  As a couple thousand people tramped up the hill, I Vince drawl into the microphone, “Hey y’all, don’t be leavin’ now, y’hear?”  No one even stopped or acknowledged that Vince was probably calling up from the bottom of a very, very deep pit.

 

So.  When I see that THOUSANDS of you have stopped by my blog and and walked away without so much as a “funny post!” comment, especially when PRIZES are offered, I feel like I should call up Vince Gill and apologize.  And I HATE apologizing.

 

(But I don’t mind begging, whining, bribing, or pleading.)

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:

Maggiano’s, FIL’s treat!

 


 

Free Giveaway!

QUICKIE: Kevin just went to Costco.  I love when he goes to Costco because he always comes back with these.

 

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(If the picture seems blurry, it’s not.  That’s just your eyes welling up with emotional tears.)

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Seems like all the popular bloggers are doing giveaways every other day, so I thought I’d throw myself in the throngs of popularity and do my own giveaway.  If nothing else, it might encourage CASEY to comment again, as it seems my blog has not been good enough for her the past few days.

 

The contest:


I walked downstairs last week to find this sign on the floor.

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Readers, decide WHO placed this sign there.  Was it:

 

A) Vincenzo’s 8-year-old friend who visited last week
B) The babysitter
C) My husband
D) The Magical Pee Pee Fairy (in which case we should look under sign for a quarter)

 


Please cast your vote in the comments section.  I’ll randomly choose a winner from the vat of people who answer correctly.  Or maybe I’ll choose the person who has a correct answer AND the wittiest comment.  Or maybe I’ll make up some obscure rule when the contest is over to determine the winner.  And don’t forget to state your answer in the form of a question. 

 

As for prizes, you can choose between a set of blank homemade cards or a slightly used copy of Twilight (BARF). 

 
DSCN6200           or             Stephenie Meyer's Twilight
 

The contest ends at the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, September 2.  Good luck.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
I don’t know.  Go ask Mom.

Wet T-shirt contest!

QUICKIE: from: icanhascheezburger.com

 

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I was browsing through my blog statistics today and came upon two facts that are quite…interesting.  I’m not sure what to think of You anymore.


Interesting Observation #1: On the day I used the word “butt sex,” I got about three times the amount of usual traffic to my blog.  It’s been suggested to me that I randomly stick some words into my blog posts that catch the interest of certain people googling certain seedy things.  Not to worry, oh faithful readers; I would never stoop to such a dirty publicity stunt. *chesire cat grin*

 

Interesting Observation #2 My blog was picked up by Stanford’s “WellSphere” site—where people go to get answers to their medical questions.  I’m totally stoked, as I’ve always considered myself quite the expert on things I know absolutely nothing about, such as HOT LESBIAN ACTION.  It feels good to impart some of this knowledge on greater America, with Stanford proudly resting its highly-esteemed, medically-certified hand on my shoulder.  The picture is blurry, so if you want to see the reference to my blog IRL, go to http://stanford.wellsphere.com/wellmix360/wrist-cysts

 
i'm famus2
 

 

I posted an hour early today!  Think I’ll spend naptime petting the cat instead of blogging.  Here, PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY!

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Going out w/the family

Hello? Hello?

QUICKIE: Yesterday Vincenzo was testing what level of hand-sucking might be appropriate.  He licked the back of his hand and said, “Can I do this?”  I answered, “No.”  He countered with, “But Clydey does it!”  What does it mean when your 3-year-old consistently out-argues you?

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Cafeteria milk-carton flashback.  I didn’t know there was an “open” side to milk cartons until like the fourth grade, and even then this would always happen.

 

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As a side note, I also didn’t know underwear had a front and a back until around then either.  So I was the kid wearing her underwear backwards drinking milk from a carton that it looked like rats had opened.  And look at me now!!  (i.e. at least my underwear is on right.  I think.  Photo not available.)

 

I’m kind of obsessed with how many hits my blog gets each day, especially since NO ONE COMMENTS on my blog (please ignore, Mandy and Casey.  I love you two!)  I was excited when my hits started going up recently and I now spend a lot of time analyzing  numbers like !C48DB47FC79COC2C!171/?ViewType=4&searchtype=5&index=7&handle=cns!C48DB47FC79C0C2C!177 and trying to imagine what face is connected to what hands that clicked on that number.  Are you more of a red wine person or white?  Cheerleader or emo?  Lucky Charms or Fruit Loops?  Granny undies or…well…are there other options?

 

Anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter as long as the hits counter keeps ticking.  And thanks for tuning in, whoever you are.

 

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:

Leftovers plus Green Beans in Balsamic Vinaigrette