So New Year’s Eve happened and once again I did not spend it on the top floor of the tallest building in the biggest city, dripping with diamonds, my hair in a complicated up-do, eating gougeres with A-list celebs, realizing I am desperately in love with Kevin at 11:59, and kissing him like our futures depended on it at 12:00.
No, I did not do any of that. Instead I spent it on the top floor of a split-level house in a smallish city, eating mashed potatoes with a bunch of amped-up kids, realizing I forgot to change out of my sweatpants at 8:30 and kicking everyone out of the house at 8:31. Yes, it was our We Hate New Year’s party. This year’s party included 10 pounds of prime rib, three dozen vindictive sparklers, candy cane ice cream a la child labor, and our traditional New Year’s crackers.
For those who don’t know about the New Year’s crackers, after Christmas we all make Lego creations, then take them apart and put the pieces in TP tubes, write the name of the thing on the outside, and wrap them up all pretty. On New Year’s Eve guests open the crackers and build whatever the tube says, instructions not included.
Every year I feel so environmentally responsible, making the crackers with our old TP tubes and wrapping paper scraps. I take garbage and turn it into something fun and pretty. I’m doing my part to save the planet! Of course, I don’t feel that so so much the next day when I throw away all the wrapping paper scraps and TP tubes. I didn’t save the planet after all. I just avoided throwing away some junk for a couple months.
This year things started out light and humorous, as usual:
Fully posable Egyptian
Tesla truck (rock not included)
The Springfield Tire Fire
Guy who stepped on a Lego
Then Kevin got involved and things got dark. Super dark. He called this first one “The French Revolution.”
This one is elegantly named “Electric Chair.”
I’m not even going to include “Jar Jar Binks’ Last Days” because it’s culturally insensitive and is also too graphic to post here.
Actually, the “Guy who Stepped on a Lego” should probably be included with this second set of crackers.
Anyway, to counteract some of Kevin’s dark creations, I built a candy shop.
But by then the darkness had spread.
I called it Candy Shop Stick-Up because Sticky Situation at the Candy Shop wouldn’t fit on the TP tube.
And now that this post is on the Internet, I am no longer eligible to run for politics.
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Chocolate mousse pie