Anyone who has met my husband knows that he is allergic to the world, so planning a trip to Yellowstone was akin to planning a slow and painful death for him. In fact, I originally planned the trip without him. I figured it would save him a lot of whining and complaining and making comments about how much more comfortable it is sleeping on the ground than in a bed. But then I heard him telling our friends that he couldn’t believe his family was planning a vacation and not inviting him.
The next day, Kevin received an E-vite to his family vacation. He never accepted, but he did show up.
Inviting Kevin along changed things. We could no longer road trip because he would spend the whole ride pointing out all the airplanes passing us and trying to find a flight attendant button in the minivan so he could get an extra pillow.
We could no longer camp because of the whole “this ground is so comfortable” line of comments.
We were going to have to leave the showering bucket at home because Kevin would tell everyone at any party afterwards how his wife once showered in a bucket. True story.
So we booked a house in the woods outside Yellowstone for four nights and a cabin for two nights in the Tetons. Kevin’s skin would get all rashy every time we said the word “cabin” in planning for the trip but it cleared up when we told him there was a flat-screen TV in every room and the best wi-fi on the face of the earth. A little lie never hurt anyone, right?
Then, suddenly, the kids were out of school and we were flying above all those road-tripping cars and a couple hours later we were watching the elk mow the lawn at Mammoth Falls.
Kevin was doing really well, minus the comments about “potato wi-fi” and also the constant reporting of how many bars he had on his cell phone.
“Zero. I have zero bars.”
I handed him couple of Lara bars. “There. Now you have two. Did I mention there are also X-boxes in all the rooms at the Tetons?”
Poor guy. He didn’t know any better.
After four nights at Yellowstone and innumerable comments about the potato wi-fi, we were on our way to the Tetons. Kevin was doing fine, except for the giant welts where he got mosquito bites because his skin can’t be cool about it and just get a little bump like the rest of us. We were playing those murder mystery games. You know the ones—There’s a man who is dead on a stump and it’s wet all around him. What happened?
I was feeling pretty good about things. “There are actually two X-boxes in every room,” I said, just to give Kevin an extra boost. But I think he was onto me because the next murder mystery he threw out there went like this: There is a man dead in a cabin at the Grand Tetons and he’s holding a cell phone in his hands.
It only took us five questions to guess it.
Does he have any bars?
Are there any potatoes in the room?
Does his face look like this?
Is he happier now that he’s dead?
Does he have a good life insurance policy? (This question being from me, of course.)
I’m not sure how to end this post. Do I write a eulogy for the man who died in the cabin? An ode to potato wi-fi? Should I tell you to look under your seat for a free X-box?
Or do I just post a picture of some random guy pretending to be excited about his family vacation?
Computer nerds. You can’t take them anywhere.
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Salad with chicken, raspberries, candied pecans, and blue cheese
Fresh fruit & vegetables