I Am That Mom

I am never again going to think to myself, “I wish I had something to blog about…” because inevitably something will happen that day that is bloggable for all the wrong reasons.

Take today, for example.  At 11 in the morning I was wishing I had something to blog about, but all I had was the fact that Leo yells out, “CHOCOLATE POOP!” every time I change his diaper.  I wasn’t sure how to stretch that out for a whole post.

An hour later, waiting for Rocco’s speech therapy appointment, I pulled out our bag of books and Rocco reached inside and said, “Hey look, our missing lunch box!”  I looked.  We laughed together about how the bread had morphed into a greenish blue rectangle of mold, then I stuck the lunchbox back in the bag and started reading.

A few minutes later a lady sitting across from us said, “I know you don’t have biting ants here but you might want to do something about those little ones on your bag…”

I looked.  Our book bag was positively teeming with 100 tiny, flea-sized ants.  I took another look at the old lunchbox we had thrown back in and saw at least 50 more in there, so I ran it out to the parking lot to throw it away.

I came back to assess the situation and saw that the carpet appeared to be moving, there were so many ants on it.  I peeked into the book bag and quickly closed it, wondering frantically if there was an incinerator in the vicinity.  Trying not to totally alarm the office staff, I casually asked for a vacuum cleaner because “I think we brought in an ant or two,” omitting the word “hundred.” 

Then I enlisted the help of all the young children in the room to look for ants and I spent the next half hour on my hands and knees, vacuuming up teeny tiny brown ants from the gray carpet, our book bag, and my own person.  The ants on the carpet looked like this:

WP_20140606_15_00_31_Proa

I looked like this:

vacuuming ants

Once I finished vacuuming I looked over at Leo, who had a line of snot running directly into his mouth, and whose mouth was leaking a sludge of purple ooze from the Laffy Taffy he had eaten and I wondered at what point my alarm clock would start ringing so I could wake up and tell Kevin about this ridiculous dream I had just had.

Unfortunately I must have forgotten to set my alarm and so now I am stuck in this world where I am that mom with the oozing children, who leaves behind a colony of mold-eating ants wherever she goes.

If I were a person who embarrasses easily I would be hiding under my bed right now, but as a person who hasn’t felt embarrassed since every single day of junior high, I just have to say that today was TOTALLY AWESOME.

At least, it was for my blog!

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