A Beard by Any Other Name…

We got some family pictures taken last weekend, which was very sad for one member of our family: Kevin’s Playoff Beard.  It was not invited.  Can you blame me?


(That’s a picture of Kevin holding up a picture Rocco made of him last year.  I don’t know which is scarier.)

The only way Kevin would agree to shaving his beard was if I wrote a letter of apology to him, his dad, our BIL, and the Blackhawk team.  And here it is, for your own entertainment: my letter of apology.

April 23, 2014

Dear Kevin, Kevin’s Beard, Kevin’s Dad, Kevin’s BIL, and Kevin’s favorite hockey team, The Hawks. (I don’t really watch hockey so I’m not familiar with The Hawks…I assume they’re some kind of Seahawk or something?):

I regret to inform you that I have issued the termination of Kevin’s Beard, as it is in due conflict with a pre-scheduled family photo shoot this coming weekend. I understand the great ripples this will cause throughout our family, friends, and the world of hockey. It was the unmatched power of Kevin’s Beard alone that led The Hawks to win the Stanley Cup last year, even though when they won the Stanley Cup four years previously Kevin’s Chin was as bare as a baby’s bottom.

I would also like to apologize to everyone on behalf of Kevin’s Beard for looking so ugly and for my slip of judgment in letting it grow to the point of a circus act before intervening. Last year some people in our community were truly frightened by it and I have noticed an increase in “For Sale” signs in our neighborhood as of recent times. Rest assured, community of Kirkland, things will not get to that point this year.

I don’t exactly know why I am apologizing to Kevin’s Dad, as he never grows a playoff beard anyway and is probably on my side in this whole issue. In fact, Kevin’s Dad’s Chin has had more influence in helping The Hawks win, as it was hairless through not one, not two, but three Stanley Cup wins.

I do want to apologize specifically to Kevin’s BIL’s Beard, who is losing a dear and trusted friend this weekend. I know you two beards were there through thick and thin, and you helped each other through all the hairy patches of life. Remember that one close shave you had together last May? They were rough times but you two beards kept your chins up and kept your upper lips stiff. That helps with the shaving, I’m told.

I leave you today with a few quotes. I have taken the liberty to alter some of the wording to be appropriate for the event surrounding this letter of apology.

“Only a beard grown for others is a beard worthwhile.” –Albert Einstein

“Show me a beard and I will write you a tragedy.” –F. Scott Fitzerald

“Truly, truly I say to you, whoever grows a beard has eternal life.” John 6:47

“A beard by any other name would smell as sweet” -William Shakespeare

“We can grow no great beards, only small beards with love.” -Mother Teresa

My deepest and utmost sincerest ever ever EVER apology,


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