Anyone wondering what it’s like to date after ten years of marriage and three kids later? Good. Then read on.
We go to the movie and mall because they are 1) close to us and 2) do not require us to make conversation.
We spend most of the time buying clothes for the kids. Then we split up to maximize time, and I tell Kevin I’m going to Aveda but sneak into Victoria’s Secret instead. I find a pink lingerie that I don’t love but is acceptable, so I stand there debating about what size to get because I’m a B now but when I’m done nursing in a couple months I’ll be an almost-A. Do I live in the moment and buy the B? Or should I be practical and buy the A? Then I think about how ridiculous it is to wear lingerie when you’re an A cup, and how I won’t even be able to fill it out, and also how Kevin is probably at the other store waiting for me, so I hang the lingerie up and decide it’s probably best to just describe the lingerie to Kevin and call it good.
I find Kevin at Aveda.
Kevin: Where were you?
Me: At Victoria’s Secret. I almost bought some lingerie, but I didn’t.
Kevin: Oh! What was it like?
Me: It was pink.
And then we go to the movie.
We sit down at the movie (The Great and Powerful Oz) and see in front of us my friend McStreamy’s husband with—wait! With another GUY. At the end of the movie, I decide it is my duty to inform McStreamy:
Me: We just saw your husband making out with some guy at a Disney movie.
Me: Sorry to tell you in a text.
McStreamy: I asked him to throw something at you. Did he fail at that too?
Me: He was too busy kissing.
We need to pick up the baby at this point, so we stop at Tully’s for a sandwich and coffee, i.e. enjoy a romantic dinner together. The barrista asks us how our day is going and I say, “Great! We’re on a date.” The barrista says that’s sweet, so I tell her it’s our first date. Then I flash her my wedding ring and whisper, “And I’m married!!” She doesn’t laugh.
Next we step onto a jam-packed elevator to go to our car. There are like 50 people in it, and the button for every floor is lit up. I lean toward to the lady closest to the buttons and ask, “Can you please press floors 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 for us?” She does not laugh. I am giggling hysterically. I see she thinks that I am drunk, and she has three kids with her who also think something is up. I tell them I’m just joking, but I stutter and then it really sounds like I am drunk. It was a long ride down to level 5.
We get to the grandparents’ house and I pick up Leo, who looks me straight in the eye and signs, “MILK MILK MILK MILK MILK MILK” with both hands. I nurse him and he drinks so much that I would have fit that A cup lingerie no problem.
Then we go home and I notice that the neighbor’s house is on fire so I send Kevin to investigate. He comes back a minute later to tell me they’re just doing laundry, and do I want him to call 911 or will I?
Thus the date ends, and we go back to watching TV and blaming our farts on each other.
I’m not sure if all this is why we don’t date very often, or because we don’t date very often, but I can say that it is the most fun we’ve had in a long time.