Maternity Monday: You are growing sleepy…

Psst.  It’s me.  I’m up before 6 and, miracle of miracles, neither of my kids is.  I will try le blog now.*

A good friend lent me her Hypnobabies kit for this upcoming labor so I can have an “easy, joyous, pain-free childbirth.”  The thing is, I’m not sure someone as cynical and crusty as myself can be transformed.  After three labors that were the complete opposite of “easy, joyous, and pain-free” I am definitely an old dog and this is a new trick.

Actually, I shouldn’t even be using the word “labor.”  Hypnobabies wants me to call it “birthing process” because the word labor indicates work, and birthing your baby is not work, despite husband’s claim that I’ve only worked for three days out of the past six years.  I guess now he can say I haven’t worked a day since I had Vincenzo.

Also, I’m not going to be feeling “contractions” during this “birthing process;” I will feel “pressure sensations.”  Kevin (who is no longer my “husband” but rather my “birthing partner”) told me he’s going to call them “uterus hugs" instead.  I am SO looking forward to that.

Oh, and when those joyful pressure waves begin, I will not be in “pain” but rather “discomfort.”  Seriously.  “Discomfort” to me means wearing a pair of too-small underwear or having an itch I can’t reach.  Not what I’ve felt in my past “birthing processes.”  I imagine myself screaming, “I AM IN AN EXCRUCIATING AMOUNT OF DISCOMFORT HERE!”  and, “THIS DISCOMFORT IS GOING TO KILL ME!”

Anyway, Kevin and I are trying to be more precise with all our vocabulary, not just those related to the birthing process.  We no longer call them “numbers,” for example, but “letters’ more complicated cousins,” and instead of “children” they are “angry little howler monkeys.”  It’s really helping.

That being said, I am loving the hypnosis CDs and if I can replace the word “cynicism” with “optimism,” maybe, just maybe this is going to work.  But with all this new vocab I think I need to take a break from doing Kiegel exercises and instead build up some finger strength.  There are an awful lot of finger quotes flying around these days!

*That was 6AM yesterday, BTW.

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