We met Renee at her house on Friday. I personally would have been a little freaked out if I were her, letting a couple people she met on the Internet come to her house. She especially should have been freaked out considering some of the conversations Kevin and I had that morning–like when we were leaving the hotel.
Me: *yawn* I’m sooooooooo tired. I slept horribly.
K: It’s all right. You can probably take a nap in Renee’s bed. You know…after we murder her and her children.
Or, as we got closer to her house:
Me: Let’s stop at Target. I don’t want the first thing out of my mouth to be, “Hi, Renee. My name is Rachel. Can I use your bathroom?”
Kevin: Good idea. We should totally buy some ski masks and baseball bats while we’re there.
Kevin taught me how to navigate to Renee’s house using my new I-phone. Here’s an approximation of what the route looked like on my I-map:
And here’s an approximation of how I translated that to Kevin:
So when Renee suggested we go to lunch at Joe’s Farm Grill (featured on Food Network) we thought it would probably be better to let the legally blind lady sit in the front and give directions using the guess-and-check method than to let me navigate using a GPS again. We were right, too.
We enjoyed our afternoon under a sky Renee told us was the color “ungray.” There was only one moment of pandemonium when Kevin misread a sign outside the restaurant as:
“STAY OFF OF TREES: DANGER OF FALLING SCORPIONS”
We made a very big deal about this and I’m sure neither of Renee’s kids will never feel comfortable around a tree again. We probably saved their lives, and they are welcome. (We later noticed the sign actually read STAY OFF TREES: DANGER OF FALLING AND SCORPIONS.”
My favorite moment came after lunch, though, when I told Renee that a bee had landed on the straw of her soda. She set the cup on the ground and for a second I thought she was going to smash the bee into a pulp with her cane. I think I started chanting, “CANE! CANE! CANE!” She didn’t, but just knowing she could have makes her pretty badass.
Renee was, I believe the word is, “lovely.” She was also snarky, sweet, and quick with the racist jokes. I did my best to keep up.
On the ride back to her house, Renee’s daughter, Lennon, drew a picture of a sleigh being pulled by reindeer in front of a moon, over a small building with the word POST on it and asked me to guess what it was. I guessed it was a picture of Santa riding over a post office on Christmas Eve. Nope. It was a picture of Greenland. The snarkism runs deep in this family.
Renee’s son, Harrison, isn’t that into talking yet but he’d whisper things to me and I even though I know I usually got it wrong, he’d always tell me I got it right. He let me hold his hand while he carefully walked across all the sidewalk ledges around the parking lot. I have a major crush on him.
Back at the hotel my brain did that thing it always does where it analyzes every word I said earlier to make sure I had been sarcastic, not mean; funny, not annoying; self-deprecating, not depressed. I came to the conclusion that Renee probably walked away from the day thinking we’re swingers because I ended our afternoon by saying, “I fell in love with you two years ago and I’ve loved you ever since.” I say things like that sometimes. I mean them, too.
Just not in a “Next on Oprah!” kind of way.
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Maybe (probably?) potato pierogi
Tomato soup with cornbread croutons
Cranberry date bars with white chocolate