I’ve been trying to explain to my husband what it feels like to have mastitis, but he continually fails to look sufficiently alarmed and empathetic at my descriptions. I think I might have gotten it right finally though. So. If you are a guy and you have never had mastitis, it goes something like this:
So imagine a sensitive part of your body, kind of like your penis only not quite as sensitive…maybe your balls? Are those slightly less sensitive? Okay, your balls. For the first part of mastitis someone is going to stick a golf ball in your balls (that’s what a blocked duct feels like) and then punch it a few times so it’s good and bruised. You call the doctor and explain the symptoms and they tell you to take a hot bath and firmly massage, yes MASSAGE your bruised balls. Several times a day.
So you rub it out but nothing happens except an excessive amount of pain. Then whoever it was that put the golf ball in your balls and then punched them comes and LIGHTS THEM ON FIRE. You call the doctor. They say more baths. More massage. Still nothing happens except you get a bit of carpal tunnel from all the massaging.
Then you get cold. So cold. You turn up the heat and ask everyone else if it’s just you or is it cold in here? It’s just you, so you take (another) bath, as hot as your depleted hot water tank allows. You sit there, your skin lobster red, shivering and shaking all over because you are freezing to death. Within the half hour your body starts aching from its very core to the outermost hair. You call for a prescription and drive yourself to the pharmacy. Halfway there you realize this was a bad idea because even your EYEBALLS have gotten achy and you can’t really see straight anymore.
You get to the pharmacy and by then you can barely walk. By now your brain is starting to abandon your bruised, burning, aching, freezing body, but out of some primitive instinct to survives you somehow make it to the counter. They tell you it will take another ten minutes to fill your prescription.
You sink to the floor and wait for death to come.
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Pot roast with potatoes and carrots
Me to V: We’re stopping at the store to pick up a pot roast
V: You’re roasting pot for dinner?
During a game of throwing invisible objects at each other and shielding each other’s blows, Vincenzo really struck upon a powerful weapon when he yelled at me, “BLOCK YOUR DUCTS!” Ouch. I’m out.
[a the mall, Vincenzo hanging on Kevin who was pushing the stroller]
Kevin: Vincenzo—personal bubble. Please.
Vincenzo: POP! I popped your persona bubble!
[reinvasion of Kevin’s personal space]