I don’t think anything can beat my last year’s letter to Vincenzo that the teachers will read in case of emergency, but this year’s isn’t half bad itself.*
Hi! It’s Mom, Dad, and Rocco. We can only assume that the reason your teacher is reading you this letter is because the zombies have attacked. Do not worry about us—we have likely carried out our Zombie Infestation Plan and are now at the hardware store, getting some hot dogs and helping ourselves to the arsenal of zombie attack weapons that can be found there.
Please do everything your teacher tells you to—unless she wants to eat your brains, in which case you should attack her with the Teacher Scissors. Don’t waste your time with the safety scissors. You could also chop her head off in the paper cutter or stuff her mouth with play dough and run like hell for the nearest mall (it’s generally safe and you could also grab some McDonald’s there).
We will be there as soon as we can to pick you up. Or, in the event that we ourselves have become zombies, we will be there soon to EAT YOUR BRAINS.
Mom, Dad, and Baby Rocco
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Chicken with mustard cream sauce
Garlicky campanelle with roasted cherry tomatoes
*When I was halfway through with this letter, Kevin sat down beside me and started reading this letter. He said, “I don’t know if we should actually tell Vincenzo to stab his teacher with scissors…” So Mom, you’re not the only one who will need my reassurance that no, this is not the actual letter I sent in.