I hate Facebook. I would rather get my tongue pierced with a pair of rusty scissors than spend an hour of my life getting updated on who’s heading to the gym and who’s going out for girl’s night (WOOHOO!) and whose husband is the BEST husband EVER.
But. Kevin got me one of those I-Phone deely-bobbers (only not a real I-Phone because he always gets me the Microsoft version of things which is kind of like the time Santa couldn’t find my sister a real Cabbage Patch doll so he got her a homemade one from a craft store and her friends never really stopped making fun of her for it and then she turned Goth).
I digress. Kevin got me a fake I-Phone and now the minute I turn my phone on I see FB updates which I really, really, really HATE but now have to add to and comment on because if I don’t my phone starts chanting, “LO-SER! LO-SER! LO-SER!” and I start looking around for the nearest black trench coat.
So. For any of you who are on FB, and especially for any of you who have the privilege of being My Friend, I want you to print up the following rules and post them by your bedside table.
MRSMOUTHY’S RULES RE: FACEBOOK:
1. If you are not funny, I will block you.
2. If you are funnier than me, I will block you.
3. If you refer to your husband as “hubby” I will block you.
4. If you refer to yourself and/or other mothers as “mommy” I will block you. Unless you are under the age of 5.
5. If you are under the age of 5 and have a FB account, I will block you.
6. If you invite me to play Zombies, I will first attempt to chop your head off *IRL*. Then I will block you.
7. If you wish your husband a happy anniversary to all your friends on FB who are, in fact, not married to you and couldn’t give a rat’s a** about your anniversary, I will block you.
8. If you do not wish me a happy birthday on my actual birthday, I will block you.
9. If you expect me to wish you a happy birthday on your happy birthday, I will block you.
10. If you block me, I will block you.
Furthermore, I will not join your cause, I will not become a fan or accept your gifts, and I will not change my profile pic to one of my mom, grandmother or the special lady who raised me in honor of Mother’s Day. I will then not copy and paste to my status and to see how many of us will honor them!
Please do not make comments about the weather unless it is some kind of weather we have never seen or heard of before, like it’s raining Kool-aid or beer.
You are allowed to make fun of yourself, your kids, your husband, and your general state of being (but use caution as per rules #1 and #2). For example, some acceptable FB updates I read yesterday were: “I feel like an asshole” and “I FOUND my nut!”
Thank you for observing these FB etiquette rules. Click here if you “like” this or better yet, copy and paste these rules to your status to see how many of us will honor them!
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE: