Paranoia is not my middle name.

It’s more like my first.

I mean, I’m so paranoid about blog readers developing an unhealthy obsession for me that I fill my blog with pictures of some whitey and her kids even though I’m really a childless Namibian man who excels at pooktre art.  I’ve said too much already.

So last week when this beige Honda with a lady decked out in fluorescent teal (a color for the clinically insane) pulled into our driveway, then backed out and drove a few houses down, did the same at a neighbor’s house four doors down, and kept doing this in a completely random matter, I went into full SQUIRREL mode.

I called my husband.  He told me to take a nap.

I called my mom.  She told me to call the police.

I went for a walk shortly after “Dutchess Teal” pulled into my driveway and once I hit the other side of the neighborhood there she was, idling in her car.  Waiting.  Watching.  I called the babysitter, had him put house into full lock-down mode, reminded him of the combination to our padded room, and gave him a mini-lesson on how to shoot a colt 45. 

By the time I got back to the house the car was gone, but by then I had imagined 1,000 kinds of evil that Dutchess Teal was about to unleash on me and my family.  When Kevin came home I begged him to give me just ONE logical explanation for why a car would pull into a driveway, sprint for another a few houses down, then switch directions and do the same at another house, all over the neighborhood.  He came up with nothing.  I didn’t sleep that night.

Yesterday afternoon I looked out my window and there she was again!  Dutchess Teal!  She and her beige Honda pulled RIGHT into my driveway, then backed up and pulled into my neighbor’s driveway. I swiftly broke a wine bottle in half, grabbed Vincenzo’s cardboard sword, charged out my front door…and promptly tripped over a newspaper on our front steps.  A freshly placed newspaper.  I looked up just in time to see Dutchess Teal lay another newspaper on the neighbor’s porch then get back into her car and continue on.

I think Joan Rivers put it best when she said something like, “Not only is my glass half empty, but what’s in it is poisoned.”

Drink up, little blog readers.  Drink up.


Date night!  (We’re not eating dates; we’re going on a date.)

6 thoughts on “Paranoia is not my middle name.

  1. I was going to joke, that Duchess Teal was me, but I simply cannot claim to be the newspaper lady, I’m too much of a princess.

    I have a tendency to freak out a little when I’m home alone and I hear someone coming up the driveway. It is long and winding, and I can’t see who it is until they are almost at our door. Our next door neighbor is a notoruis drunk, who is famous for having problems navigating home. I just never know who is going to pop up on my door step, a neighbor running on fumes, or the UPS dude.

  2. We are way too much alike. I’m pretty sure our relationship would be toxic, because we’d just feed each other things to be paranoid about. This is why I haven’t shown up at your back door with a rope and a Rachel Doll. Yet.

  3. Also, wouldn’t that be SO creepy if you opened the newspaper and it was a headline that said FAMILY BRUTALLY MURDERED BY NEWSPAPER BOY ? These are the things I think about.

  4. On a completely dif. topic- check out Arena Sports in Redmond. They let you drop by for a free class before you decide. If you come by Friday for the 5:30 Hoppers class, J and V can meet.

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