I’m taking the kids on a train down to Portland for the weekend, leaving Kevin at home to play video games and poop with the bathroom door open. He asked if there’s anything I want him to do, and I’d like to say “no” like I did the last time I left him alone for the weekend so he can really and truly relax, but that last trip taught me something: the man needs a to-do list. So here it is, Kevin, because I love you and our marriage:
1. There’s this thing to the right of the sink. It’s big and square and silverish; it kind of looks like a mini refrigerator. It’s called a dishwasher [dish-wosh-er], and if you open it up you can put your dirty dishes right inside it! If you would like to know what else it can do with the DISHWASHER [dish-wosh-er], call 1-800-LAZY-ASS. Ask for me.
2. Flush the toilet at least once a day.
3. If the cat poops or vomits on the carpet, I’m not asking you to CLEAN IT UP or anything, but at least cover it with a nice teacup or something.
4. Please embroider all the towels with an artsy-but-not-overdone version of our initials.
That’s it; that’s all I need you to do. The pantry is stocked with quinoa, bulgar wheat, and acacia berries, so you should be able to pull together a few meals for yourself.
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Chicken and dumplings (hey, it was a huge recipe)
Mac ‘n cheese