WANTED: Someone to stand beside baby’s crib all night and replace binky on demand.  Preferable if he/she lactates as well.

WANTED: Someone to play SpaceShip from the hours of before sunup to after sundown.  No experience required.  IQ of less than 10 is preferred as this position will report directly to Captain Turtle.

WANTED: Someone to follow Mom around and tell her her house looks clean enough, her cooking is delicious enough, her body is thin enough, her blogging is funny enough, her parenting is awesome enough, and that it’s really only her self-esteem that needs improvement.  He/she should also should never touch her except when giving frequent back rubs.

WANTED: Someone who speaks fluent Cat to explain to our own cat that it’s just not okay to drink out of toilets.  People poop in there.

WANTED: Someone to do a mediocre job of repairing things around the house.  Workmanship must be good enough that it doesn’t need to be done over, but shoddy enough that it definitely doesn’t look right.  Will be provided with shapeless, XL t-shirts with pre-stained armpits.

WANTED: Unsolicited comments


Salmon with Chambord sauce
Salad with pancetta crisps
Buttered fingerling potatoes

6 thoughts on “WANT ADS

  1. I love you. You are an amazing woman, mother and friend. I feel ugly, fat and unproductive when I am near you. You cook more amazing food in one meal than I do in a year. Does that help?

    You’re not alone and I promise that if the binky is not returned to Rocco’s mouth he will indeed survive and even eventually go to sleep. Vincenzo will still love you and feel loved even though you don’t play as many turtle games one on one with him anymore. One day he will need to learn to share your love/time and to self entertain – better that he begins to learn this now in a house full of love than on the playground. Give yourself a break. Drink some cocoa with Bailey’s. It’s all good.(I give myself a different version of this same speech fairly often)

  2. Cats lick their butts, so its no big deal drinking out of the toilet.

    The house is clean enough. I know what I’m talking about.

  3. Wanted: someone to walk the dog in all kinds of weather and wash her afterwards so my house doesn’t stink like wet dog.

    Already Have: Funny blog to read from lady who maintains sanity while living with turtle, nursing cat, Mr. Eyebrow and small binky lover.

  4. You sound like one gorgeous but tired momma, wife, teacher, playmate to a busy kid, maid, writer, and cat whisperer. That’s a lot. Make Kevin take care of you for a little wile.

  5. Your blog is funny enough. For me to poop on. (This isn’t Kevin posing as Renee. I’m just cursed with man-like humor).

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