WANTED: Someone to stand beside baby’s crib all night and replace binky on demand. Preferable if he/she lactates as well.
WANTED: Someone to play SpaceShip from the hours of before sunup to after sundown. No experience required. IQ of less than 10 is preferred as this position will report directly to Captain Turtle.
WANTED: Someone to follow Mom around and tell her her house looks clean enough, her cooking is delicious enough, her body is thin enough, her blogging is funny enough, her parenting is awesome enough, and that it’s really only her self-esteem that needs improvement. He/she should also should never touch her except when giving frequent back rubs.
WANTED: Someone who speaks fluent Cat to explain to our own cat that it’s just not okay to drink out of toilets. People poop in there.
WANTED: Someone to do a mediocre job of repairing things around the house. Workmanship must be good enough that it doesn’t need to be done over, but shoddy enough that it definitely doesn’t look right. Will be provided with shapeless, XL t-shirts with pre-stained armpits.
WANTED: Unsolicited comments
WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Salmon with Chambord sauce
Salad with pancetta crisps
Buttered fingerling potatoes