No eye rolling at dinner

The other night at dinner I asked Kevin how he would describe himself if he could use only three words.  He said:

1. Handsome.

I told him that was only one word but he said it was all he needed.  Then even though no one asked him, Vincenzo piped in with his own answer:

1. Security
2. Airport
3. Metal detector

Okaaaaay.

They all turned to me for my answer.  I said:

1. Married
2. to
3. Handsome

My family obviously had not taken the question seriously (I admit, I got dragged down with them), so the next night I tried again:

If you could grant one wish for each person at this table, what would it be?

Vincenzo wished for “Blaa blabst hoo hoo shoo noo.”  Kevin wished that I would stop asking these kinds of questions at the dinner table.  I wished my husband would grow out of puberty by the time we finished our spaghetti.

I guess we’ll just go back to throwing cactus balls at each other during dinner.  They might be more prickly, but at least they’re less surly.

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE: (Yes, I am finally cooking again!)
Lemon-marinated pork
Roasted root vegetables
Homemade rolls

What I do when V’s at preschool

Yesterday was ROTTEN thanks to an incident involving a guy in a motorcycle with his dog in a saddle-bag/side car thing, a school bus with yellow flashing lights, and me in my car with two screaming kids.  It was a confusing scene that’s too complicated to explain (and besides you would just laugh at me), but I’m pretty sure the cops are going to know who I am the next time I get pulled over.  I was left with the compelling urge to get out of my car and tell everyone, “I’M A GOOD PERSON!  I REALLY AM!”  Where is Sally Field when you need her?

Anyway.  I thought I’d cheer myself up with some of Vincenzo’s toys.  Here we have a frog and turtle doing *something* in a glass of water. 

IMG_6065

And here’s how the frog feels about it.

IMG_6066

Before you get yourself worked up into an inapproriate tizzy, you should know that, according to Vincenzo, the frog and turtle are simply pretending to be taped to each other.  But I think Vincenzo’s still a little too young for the “pretending to be taped together” speech, so let’s move on.

Let’s all give a big HUZZAH to Jared’s [apparently middle-eastern] cousin!

IMG_6070

“Thanks to Subway I can throw away my fat pants!”

Vincenzo has named this toy “baby,” for obvious reasons.

IMG_6071

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my babies without mustaches.

IMG_6074

Th-th-th-that’s all folks!

Fun Times

Vincenzo got this gift from his from his friend Madison:

IMG_6060

Her mom explained that she had not just cleaned out her junk drawer and thrown some wrapping paper on it; the gift is a “Fun Times Box” that Vincenzo can use when I’m on the phone or nursing Rocco or painting murals on my ceiling or whatever.  Vincenzo was excited about the box, so I asked him what he thought he might make with all the supplies inside.  He told me he was going to make a big sign that says “I WANT YOUR ATTENTION.”

Smartass.

But as the saying goes, it takes one to know one.  Madison, I present to you: your next birthday present from Vincenzo. 

IMG_6064

It’s a work in progress.

Wikipedia, here we come!

I decided it was time to take some scientific notes on Ninja Turtles.  This is what I know from playing with Vincenzo over the past nine months; he filled in a few gaps when I asked him some questions this morning.  This post will self-destruct when you finish reading it.

Species: Flying Fighting Secret Agent Shell Ninja Turtle

Common name: Secret Agent Shell or Ninja Turtle

Habitat: States with lots of volcanoes.  Ninja Turtles live in three-story houses that are spooky

Diet: Raw beef, worms, and jelly bellies when available

Behaviors: Ninja Turtles are a rare, nocturnal species of flying turtle whose entire bodies are covered with shell, including their arms, legs, and faces.  This renders them indestructible even when faced with a basket of cactus balls or buckets of electricians.  They have a sword strapped to the front of their bodies and their wings are see-through—only people who are friends of Vincenzo [the Buddha of Ninja Turtles] can see the wings.  These turtles can shoot confetti out of one finger, but their other nine fingers are dangerous.  The confetti is magic and cleans itself up.  Despite all this, Ninja Turtles occasionally get scared and shrink themselves down so that they can hide inside crumbs. 

Ninja Turtles are extremely fighty and are capable of saving the world but are guaranteed to not answer the phone if you call with such a world emergency.  In their leisure time, Ninja Turtles love to climb trees and swim in boiling hot lava.  They also lay and hatch their eggs, so it is assumed all Ninja Turtles are female [which explains their intense mood swings and frequent temper tantrums].

There is only one word in the Ninja Turtle language, and it is always said twice: “Turtle turtle.”  The Mexican ones say “Tortuga tortuga.”  This word can mean anything from “Let’s play” to “I’m hungry,” but it never ever means “I’m sorry.”  Ninja Turtles never apologize. 

Ninja Turtles often appear to the human eye as pool balls.

That is all that is known of Ninja Turtles to date.  There is apparently much more, but Vincenzo couldn’t tell me because that information “is really really really really really really really dangerous for girls.”

Vincenzoisms

Vincenzo:

…on answering the door: “Hi Wendy.  Want to see what’s in my pants?”

…talking to his great grandma: “I got a tee-pee only it’s not like the kind you use in the toilet.  It’s the kind you camp in.”

…talking to his grandpa on the phone: “Well I think we’re running out of answering machine tape so we should go now.”

…walking by his squirming baby brother: “The creature stirs, my friend, the creature stirs.”