I decided it was time to take some scientific notes on Ninja Turtles. This is what I know from playing with Vincenzo over the past nine months; he filled in a few gaps when I asked him some questions this morning. This post will self-destruct when you finish reading it.
Species: Flying Fighting Secret Agent Shell Ninja Turtle
Common name: Secret Agent Shell or Ninja Turtle
Habitat: States with lots of volcanoes. Ninja Turtles live in three-story houses that are spooky
Diet: Raw beef, worms, and jelly bellies when available
Behaviors: Ninja Turtles are a rare, nocturnal species of flying turtle whose entire bodies are covered with shell, including their arms, legs, and faces. This renders them indestructible even when faced with a basket of cactus balls or buckets of electricians. They have a sword strapped to the front of their bodies and their wings are see-through—only people who are friends of Vincenzo [the Buddha of Ninja Turtles] can see the wings. These turtles can shoot confetti out of one finger, but their other nine fingers are dangerous. The confetti is magic and cleans itself up. Despite all this, Ninja Turtles occasionally get scared and shrink themselves down so that they can hide inside crumbs.
Ninja Turtles are extremely fighty and are capable of saving the world but are guaranteed to not answer the phone if you call with such a world emergency. In their leisure time, Ninja Turtles love to climb trees and swim in boiling hot lava. They also lay and hatch their eggs, so it is assumed all Ninja Turtles are female [which explains their intense mood swings and frequent temper tantrums].
There is only one word in the Ninja Turtle language, and it is always said twice: “Turtle turtle.” The Mexican ones say “Tortuga tortuga.” This word can mean anything from “Let’s play” to “I’m hungry,” but it never ever means “I’m sorry.” Ninja Turtles never apologize.
Ninja Turtles often appear to the human eye as pool balls.
That is all that is known of Ninja Turtles to date. There is apparently much more, but Vincenzo couldn’t tell me because that information “is really really really really really really really dangerous for girls.”