The price of cool

QUICKIE: Vincenzo, out of the blue today: “Mommy, I think you need a drink.”
We have carpet under our kitchen/living room table, and after three years of me crying during every meal while marinara sauce, blueberries, chocolate pudding, etc. landed on the floor below Vincenzo’s chair, I finally decided to buy a Splat Mat.  I had been eyeing them for three years but at $50 plus s/h, I couldn’t justify it.  Until I saw one with this pattern on it:


Cool, in a hard rock, cowboy, butterfly kind of way, right? 

The Splat Mat arrived and, pregnant though I am, I lifted the table and squeezed it under, I was so excited about it.  Vincenzo spent quite a bit of time studying the mat and later that evening asked, “Mommy, why does that hand have oil dripping from it?”


Uh…oops.  I told him probably because it belonged to a mechanic.  While I was on my hands and knees, I noticed a few other disturbing images on the splat mat:




Yes, this last one is of a skeleton smoking a CIGARETTE on a friggin’ BABY SPLAT MAT.  I poked around the website I bought it from today but this mat apparently isn’t for sale anymore, so sorry if these images made you want to rush out and purchase one this very moment.  I’m not sure what to do about it.  I know the right thing would be to flip it upside down so it’s just a red mat, but it was $50!  Plus s/h!  And it looks really, really cool in my house.

So when I’m driving to the store in 10 years (or maybe 5??) because we’re out of milk or oatmeal or something else wholesome and I see my kid standing on a corner, smoking a cigarette while fondling some slutty looking, topless redhead, don’t let me come crying to you.  And when you see him on the 5:00 news sporting an orange jumpsuit that night, just shake your heads and say, “It was the Splat Mat.”

And don’t forget to vote for me for Mom of the Year at’*

Grilled vegetable and goat cheese burgers

*Website name fabricated for the sake of getting a LOL.

9 thoughts on “The price of cool

  1. You totally got my LOL.

    Rachel, I thought that maybe you were like, a cool person, but this? This sends you skyrocketing to the top. You’re the James Dean of moms. The coolness, it aches.

  2. It is ALL about perspective. Keep the mat and buy a red sharpie. Draw a circle on the end of the cigarette and *BAM* you have a lolly pop. Trade one sucker for another 🙂 You can also use the sharpie to draw a bikini (or evening gown) on the nymph.

  3. Suzanne: I hope you corrected her and said, “No; it’s COOL.”

    Renee: Wanna go out back and smoke with me?

    Jennifer: I love the lollipop idea, but I was thinking it might be cooler to change the cigarettes into joints.

    Tricia: I would say that except from what I understand, it’s a surefire way to make sure my son DOES get those tattoos.

    Keiko: I am glad you feel at home enough on my blog to share that visual with all of us.

    Lizgizzy: Filler is usually used to mean extra parts of animals/vegetables that we normally discard, such as the appendix, beaks, and corn husks. When I use the term, it means basically the same thing.

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