It’s in my jeans!

QUICKIE: We read a book about ninjas this week, so now Vincenzo runs around with a sword saying he is a ninja turtle.  He also eats an insane amount of pizza.  I told him that if he had put all that together 30 years ago, he’d be a millionaire by  now.
I hate almost everything about being pregnant.  Last week, a baby magazine told me something like, “At 20 weeks, you’re past the nausea/fatigue of first trimester and you haven’t yet hit the heartburn of third trimester.  You’re feeling pretty good!”  It came off like a bad knock-knock joke.  I’m STILL nauseous, am exhausted because I CAN’T SLEEP, and I have had heartburn for FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT.  Not to mention that the minute I eat something I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach for the rest of the day, and unfortunately I wake up at 6AM and have to eat something RIGHT THEN.

But!  All is not lost!  There is one thing I love about being pregnant, and that is clothes shopping.   Normally buying a pair of jeans can take days or weeks as you go from store to store trying on different styles, putting some on hold, buying some then returning them, dragging along various friends/family members to weigh in their opinions, and researching gyms in your area because you swear you will not stand in a dressing room again until something changes.  You have so much to consider before finally committing to a pair.  Like:

1.  cost of jeans
2.  whether or not the same jeans will be in the store, in your size, when the store sale starts in three weeks
3.  number of shoes you have that you could wear with this particular hem length
4.  if God will laugh at you for thinking you could pull off skinny jeans
5.  the approximate size they make your butt look

None of this trips you up when you’re pregnant, though.  It’s like this: you go into the only store in the mall that carries clothes that fit you.  You see their jeans section, and there is choice A or choice B.  Even if you try them both on and like them both, you only have a 50% chance of being wrong.  You don’t need to worry if the cut will only be in style for one season or if you’ll be able to wear them for years to come.  You don’t need to check your butt size in the mirror because you’re only 20 weeks pregnant and you’ve already gained 20 pounds, so at this point anything you put on your butt can only make it look smaller. 

And the best part of shopping for maternity jeans is that there are no belts, zippers, or buttons to contend with.  You can actually pull a pair of maternity jeans off quicker than you can pull your underwear off (not that that’s a very helpful skill when in your current condition).  (Unless, of course, you’re one of those second trimester ladies who feels SO GREAT that she feels a surge of love and passion toward her husband. In which case I hope both option A and option B make you look like you have a small waterbed stapled to your butt.)

Lots and lots of crab–but I’m not cooking one claw of it!
Carrot cheesecake (that I am cooking)
Turtle cake (also me)

5 thoughts on “It’s in my jeans!

  1. I’m sure your jeans look great, and you could probably get away with a bikini at the beach. Pregnant women look cute when the show their bellies. Women who are 300 pounds and wearing a string bikini are not cute. Here’s a tip: if the strings of your bikini are hidden in the massive folds of your flesh, its a fashion don’t.

  2. even though it has been a long time since I went shopping for jeans while pregnant, your post brought it all back. So easy….not a lot of choice, and you are just plain glad you found something to wear, so you don’t have to walk around in a mumu.

  3. I do hate jeans shopping, and you reminded me how lovely it is to throw on some elastic waisted number, heck, I think I may run out and buy myself a pair of maternity pants just for the shere joy of it. Mostly because I had no joy when I was in maternity clothes. I had hoped my boobs would have gotten way bigger, the big belly just made them look smaller as it was. Sigh.

  4. I stopped reading those pregnancy mags and books because, honestly, they scared the ever lovin’ crap out of me.

    I do miss putting on a pair of elastic jeans as opposed not being able to notch my belt in the same hole it was in last week.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s