I can has funny

QUICKIE: Kevin just farted and Vincenzo looked up at me and yelled in self-defense, “I didn’t pull Daddy’s finger–he just did it!”
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I invented a joke all on my own last night and you are all lucky because I’m going to share it with you.  Ready?  Here goes. 

Q: What did the cannibal say when he was eating an arm?
A: Can I have a hand with this?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I am not ashamed for writing in my own laugh track.  You can tell me in the comments if you think this joke is A) hilarious or B) the MOST hilarious joke you’ve EVER heard.  I eagerly await your responses.

Does God read blogs?

QUICKIE: …and the winner of the bridesmaid dress guess is…

SUZANNE!  She was the only one to guess that the birkenstock-wearing, tree-hugging, wailing-wall visiting MCSTREAMY was the one in the flowery dress and patent leather shoes–though I’m sure Casey must have been flattered by all the votes.  Suzanne, I’ll send you the chocolate chip cookie recipe and since I happen to know you, I’ll also make you a batch at your mom’s.  Promise!
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In other news, we’ve been looking into preschools for Vincenzo.  We decided to start by looking at the Catholic preschool at our church because “we’re Catholic.”  Because “we’re” Catholic?  Because we’re “Catholic?”  Each of those is correct in its own special way.  From what I’ve seen of preschools and open houses so far, I’ve learned one thing: Kevin and I clearly are not ready to be parents yet.

At the Catholic open house, the speaker read this long prayer and a bunch of stanzas started with, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph…”  I gigged every time thinking how if I were reading the prayer, I would read it like this: “JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!” (Irish accent optional).  Still, it’s not as bad as my train of thought last week at church when I couldn’t stop thinking that it would be more appropriate to represent Jesus’ body with steak instead of a wafer at communion.  Think about it.

Then we learned that preschool priority is given based on when the parents registered as members of the church.  Kevin wanted to go around asking everyone when they registered with the church and telling them our date was one month ahead of theirs.  Fortunately, he had grabbed a huge pocketful of cookies from the refreshment table and was too occupied with eating them to implement his plan.

Then we saw that the preschool paperwork was three pages long, and included questions about our Stewardship Pledge Card.  Um, I dunno…is that like a Fred Meyer Rewards card?  Because I have one of those!  The application also required a copy of Vincenzo’s birth certificate.  Kevin and I both gave each other a look that said, “Uh…did you remember to order that?”  Then we shrugged and went back to scratching our names into the desks we were at.

We still hadn’t made up our minds about the Catholic school though until we got wind of a Presbyterian church nearby.  Let me note that neither of us is Presbyterian or has any idea what Presbyterianism is about.  Let me also note that the Presbyterian preschool is $40 cheaper per month AND doesn’t give a holy crap if you’re registered with their church AND their paperwork is half a page long. 

SOLD to the immature looking couple in the second pew!

S is (also for) Slackers

QUICKIE: Vincenzo to Abby: “Do you have a panic room in your house?  If you don’t, you should.”
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Anyone who lives within 50 miles of us has us to thank for the sun last week, as we willed it out by studying the letter S.  (But the sleet on Saturday and the snow on Sunday?  TOTALLY not us.)

We used yellow food coloring, coffee filters, and an eye dropper to make these suns.

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Then we decided to make sock puppets, but as I find activities involving a needle and thread somewhere between frustrating and infuriating, we outsourced to my sister.  I don’t have any pictures to post because Vincenzo traded Piggy Puppet for a shiny, gold pom-pom and shortly after that Snake-Pretending-to-be-Turtle Puppet disappeared.  Probably out of embarrassment.

We also took advantage of our warm weather to plant these seeds!

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The packages say it takes 8-10 days to sprout, but as my seeds sprouted in 4 days I am now under the belief that I am some kind of miracle worker who makes things grow faster.  Which makes me incredibly excited about this one other seed I’m growing. 

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What do you think–do I look like someone who might deliver a fully cooked baby in a month and a half?

I’ll announce the 80s bridesmaid winner tomorrow, so vote if you haven’t yet!

S is for Stalling

QUICKIE: Vincenzo is obsessed with the word “BANG!” lately.  I am obsessed with The Bachelor.  So I shouldn’t have been surprised when Vincenzo asked at dinner, “Mommy, do they BANG on The Bachelor?”
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I don’t quite have all my stuff from S week together, so instead I’ll kill time with…RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM THE WEEK:

1.  Last week was the first week in weeks that actually felt like a week.  (Usually each day feels like a week and each week feels like a month.)  Praise the Lord!

2.  Does anyone know of anywhere in the world where summer is every other season?  I want to move to where it’s summer then fall then summer then winter then summer then spring then summer then summer again…

3.  I am one degree away from knowing this season’s Bachelor.  (!!!!!!!)  Which makes you all two degrees away.  (!!)

4.  We watched the original Peter Pan cartoon on Saturday and now I can’t get the song “What makes the Red Man Red?” out of my head.  I also can’t stop referring to myself as The Squaw.  For some reason, Vincenzo was drenched in sweat by the end of the movie.

5.  We have named the unborn baby Mbungo until we find out its gender.  Please refer to him/her as Mbungo in all future correspondence.  Thank you.

**Don’t forget to call in your vote on the bridesmaid picture post!

We love the 80s!

QUICKIE: Vincenzo: “Mom, I’m a guitar.  Strum me!”
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Remember the 80s?  So do I.  So does my friend in this flowered bridesmaid dress. 

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So did the bride, apparently, because this wedding actually took place in 1994, but I guess no one sent her the memo about New Year’s for, like, 10 years in a row.

Anyway, when I got ahold of this picture I knew I had to share it with the world.  Now it’s up to you to decide which of my blog readers is in the picture.  I’m going to list 10 people who leave comments on my posts and you can guess which lucky one has this memory of her past.  I’m too lazy to add their links but if you’re serious about winning you could look back at their comments and visit their sites to do some research.

Midwest Mommy
Mrs S
McStreamy
Tricia
Momma Trish
Andrea
Corey at Living and Loving
Renee
Jennifer @ Fun House
Casey

Prize…prize…what to do for a prize.  I could give away my car; or my next-born child; or how about my third-in-line spot to talk with Verizon?  I think I’ll settle on my recipe for chocolate chip cookies.  The recipe will change your life and make you a hero among men.  I’m not exaggerating.

Lucky Us

QUICKIE: We were playing Hungry Hippos today and Vincenzo noticed the name on his hippo.  He spelled out “H-O-M-E-R” and asked what it meant.  When I told him, he answered, “I’m going to pretend it spells ‘I Get All the Marbles.'”
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I’ve been feeling good enough to eat out lately (vs. having 8 pieces of toast and butter for dinner at 4PM), so the other day we hit up a Chinese restaurant.  The whole point of Chinese, of course, is fortune cookies.  In our younger, flirtatious days Kevin and I would each crumple up our fortunes and hide them somewhere on our person for the other one to later find.  Don’t worry, Mom; I always stuck mine in my ear and Kevin always went for his hair.  On his head.  The head on his shoulders.  Hey Mom, isn’t Cisco on TV right now?

Anyway, we have a young one now so we just do what everyone else does with their fortunes and add the words “in bed” to the end.  I went first.

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Kevin asked what it said and I translated the heart of the message, which was, “You are forever relieved of your conjugal obligations in bed.”  I added that we should go out for Chinese food more often.

Kevin opened his fortune next:

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(In bed), which is great because I’ve heard it’s quite a lucrative business.  Plus, Kevin would love to give the greater world a shot of “Vitamin K.”  His words, not mine. 

I’m a little worried about Vincenzo though.

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We just told him it said he was going to acquire a whole lot of superballs from quarter machines over the next few years.  He didn’t suspect anything different, even when we made him put his last quarter in Buddha’s hand on the way out.  Luck and fortunes?  Screw that.  It’s all about the Karma, baby.

R is for W week

QUICKIE: When there were 15 seconds left in the 4th quarter of the Superbowl game, my mom piped up from the couch, “The Steelers are the ones in yellow, right?”
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Hope you all had fun watching the “Superball,” as Vincenzo called it.  We broke about 82 house rules and had the TV on for SIX STRAIGHT HOURS.  Vincenzo is reduced to babbling and drooling today.

For R week we planned on going to Red Robin but the smell of fries makes me want to ralph.  Instead, we spent a day painting rainbows.  Here is the progression of Vincenzo’s rainbows, starting with his first and ending with his last:

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By no strange coincidence, here is a before shot of the watercolors:

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…and after:

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The letter R was by far the most difficult one we studied.  On Saturday I tried having Vincenzo sound out the word rainbow when he forgot what letter it starts with, and when he began, “Wuh-Wuh-WAINbow!” I just didn’t know what to say.

In other news, I feel obligated to mention that Kevin’s “hot girlfriend” in Friday’s post is actually his sister.  I just like messing with y’all.