Is this post half empty or half full?

QUICKIE: Aunt Jnet spent a lot of time playing pretend birthday with Vincenzo yesterday.  He woke up from his nap and asked, “Mom, am I four or five?”  I told him neither; he’s three.  He waited a minute, then asked, “So…was that just a pretend birthday party earlier?”
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We’ve spent so much more time at home now that I’m pregnant.  I just don’t have the energy to go to the store or set up play dates.  Staying at home has a couple drawbacks.  Vincenzo now knows what, “Mommy is feeling understimulated” means, along with the phrases “mind-numbing,” “overqualified for this game,” and “leaking spinal fluid.”

For example, his favorite game now is Turtle Delivery.  He climbs in a laundry basket; I secure him in with a bungee cord and cover him with a blanket.  I wait for the pretend mail to be delivered while contemplating the meaning of life and I am likely doing in an alternate universe at this minute until the turtle starts making noise.  I open the box, am surprised to see a turtle in the mail, and read the tag to see who it’s from.  The turtle gets out and says, “Let’s do it again.”  The whole game lasts about five minutes–the kind of five minutes usually associated with the dentist drilling a hole in your tooth.

Staying at home isn’t so bad when I’m my normal self.  Usually there’s something to stir on the stove, or I sneak in a scrapbook page, or I put Vincenzo in the stroller and walk to Starbucks.  I just don’t feel like doing any of that now.  In fact, now that we’ve stopped the cat butt-licking charts, my days don’t have any fuel to them.  I don’t know how many people reading this have ever been truly depressed, but here’s what it’s like:

I wake up at 7 and wait for it to be 8.  It finally becomes 8, so then I wait for it to be 9.  Then I wait for it to be 10, and so on.  I find ways to distract myself throughout the day but the distractions are just like rocks skipping across the top of a deep, murky, stagnant pond.  When finally it becomes night and I’m tired enough to sleep, I crawl into bed feeling like the day was a week long.  I stare at the wall and imagine myself as 90 years old, and it doesn’t feel any different than it does now.  The things that used to make me happy–cooking and fancy restaurants and going on adventures with Vincenzo and traveling and scrapbooking and romance–those just seem like gruel.  Everything I do is just a way to kill time.  And I have six more months to kill time before I can go back to being myself.

Sorry to get down on you again.  I’s just trying to be real.

6 thoughts on “Is this post half empty or half full?

  1. Aw crap, I’m feeling all sympathetic again…maybe even having gooey feelings…wait…I think I can shake them…WHEW, they are gone, now what were we talking about? Oh yes, I haven’t shown up at your door unannounced yet…although warning you is taking all the fun out of it.

  2. I so feel you on this. Can I admit I still feel like this now some days. I feel like I am constantly watching the clock and I don’t know what I am waiting for. I really need winter to be over with and fast.

  3. 😦 I’m sorry it is like this for you. I have nothing to offer but cyber hugs, and a silly post over at my place. heck…it’ll kill some time.

    sorry…just trying to cheer you up. I could like my hiney, but I’m afraid that would only creep you out.

  4. AWKward….

    Just kidding. I think everyone, at one point, gets what you’re talking about here. We can all empathize and sympathize, and send you every good thought we can think of, but in the end, only you know what kind of personal hell you are experiencing right now, and all we can do is hope you know that we’re here to listen and lighten the load. Depression is hard, especially when you’re a mom, because you don’t get to just BE depressed, like every other depressed person.

    Here are some more fun ways to distract your boy so you can have some time: 1. Give him an orange. Tell him he has to figure out how to get into it. Once he figures it out, sit him down with a basket full of oranges and tell him to have at it. 2. Every night, set up a wall of cinder blocks in front of your bedroom door. Tell Vincenzo he can have breakfast if he finds a way to get past the wall. More often than not, he will give up on the wall and make his own damn breakfast. 3. Disney movies. and my personal favorite (tried and true) 4. Box of crayons + crayon sharpener. Guaranteed twenty minutes of time to just close your eyes and be okay with being sad.

  5. You never need to apologize for being down. Post how you feel. For what it’s worth, I’ve been there. Heck, I’m oftentimes there right now! 😉

    It will get better. In the meantime, just hang in there. We’re there for you, even if we’re not physically “there”. Feel better. 🙂

  6. Awww–I’m sorry you’ve been feeling that way! It’s so hard when you don’t feel well and the hormones are all haywire.

    I hope you start to feel better soon!!

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