The inside scoop

I am so relieved to be able to write this post.  I don’t think my blog has been up to par for the past couple months, and I can finally come out with what’s REALLY been going on.  I’ll make a list and let you do the inferring.

1.  I started hating coffee
2.  I started hating all food
3.  Except salt & vinegar chips
4.  I started hating all smells, too
5.  I feel like puking all the time
6.  I spend most evenings lying on the couch, crying

Yup, I’m pregnant. 

Now before you type a congratulations, you should know that my standard answer to a cheery, “Congrats!” is, “Well, we’ll see.”  I spend a lot of my time thinking about dead babies and imagining full-blown scenarios where my baby dies.  It’s like General Hospital 24-7 inside my head.  Sometimes my baby dies of a chromosomal problem, like Angelo; sometimes of an infection; sometimes of a random heart defect; and every day of cord strangulation.  That’s the scariest one to me because there’s no way to know it’s coming, and no test can prevent it or even cue you in that something might be wrong.  It just happens, and it could happen next month or it could happen the morning I go into labor.

I am not good at pregnancy.  In fact, I suck at it.  I get sick early on and the sickness lasts until the day after I give birth.  Heartburn started up weeks ago.  I’m depressed.  I can’t cook because even the smell of an empty oven turned on gives me fits.  I don’t scrapbook; I barely exercise; I can’t rough-house Vincenzo.  I won’t go to the mall or Chuck E. Cheese or anywhere that’s not in my house because everywhere else STINKS.  And being trapped in my own house for months stinks, too.

When I went to the doctor for my 10-week appointment, it didn’t help that they decided to overrule my carefully charted ovulation calendar and declare I was only 6 weeks pregnant.  This (still) pisses me off to no end, as it means my nausea set in at 4 weeks instead of the usual 8, and also that it knocked me back to the beginning of 1st trimester instead of almost out of it.  When I went in for my 12-week appointment this week, I felt like I was pleading my case to a grand jury–I brought even more evidence this baby is more cooked than they say, but the doctor wouldn’t budge.  I think I’ll bring a lawyer to my next appointment.

The good news is that she said that they’re going to “pull the plug” on the baby at 39 weeks due to a blood clotting condition I have.  That’s great news to me because I feel like as long as the baby is in my body, his or her life is in constant danger.

Anyway, I do want to issue a huge apology to anyone reading this who is trying to get pregnant–especially if you’re having trouble.  I know you’d trade places with me in a heartbeat and I should be grateful, and deep down I am.  The problem is that for me, pregnancy does not equal baby.  It does equal sickness, depression, strain on my marriage/family, and did I mention depression?  But I just can’t physically crack a real smile until, if I’m lucky, I am holding my own newborn baby this August.

So sorry if my blogs haven’t been up to par.  I just need to get a few more of these Eyore posts out of my system and I’m sure I’ll be back.  Thanks for bearing with me!  (No pregnancy pun intended.)

15 thoughts on “The inside scoop

  1. Is this why it was “P” week 🙂

    Congrats. I hope you start to feel better soon. I never viewed pregnancy as a scary thing until I started reading blogs after I had BG. When I was pregnant with LM I was constantly afraid something bad would happen because I had read something happening to someone on some blog. Hang in there.

  2. Rachel,

    I know that congratulations is hard to hear, so instead, I say, you and your family are in my prayers. I have to admit to wondering if you were preggo when I read about the salt and vinegare chips a few weeks ago because seriosly those are only something people LOVE when they are expecting or drunk.

    I know that depression and anxiety are hard to deal with at any time. I had to go on an anti depressant after Brent was born and would have benefitted from taking something earlier. Have you explored that route with your Dr.? If not, I HIGHLY reccommend it. Had I known I could feel so good and actually relaxed life would have been so different in those months.

    I love you Lady and look forward to the updates you share. Please know that you touch the hearts of many and that we will all be lifting you up in our thoughts and prayers.

    Peace,
    Suz

  3. I love you & am proud of you for making things “official” by posting. Otherwise you’d have to start explain why you aren’t posting your glorious menus for all to envy. Although, you do make a damn good sandwich too!

    Thinking of you often and maybe see you tomorrow to drop off some plates!

  4. OK even though you don’t necessarily think it is in order quite yet…CONGRATS!! I think that is so great!! However, you will be in my prayers and keep us updated. And if you need me to I will go to plead your case to the doctor. Like he knows? Geez.

  5. Rachel,

    I’ve been thinking of you often. Eric had commented on the lack of your daily menu in the blog. I did remind him that food is your enemy when you are pregnant. Since you are house bound, we’d love to set up a play date when you are up for it. 🙂

    Love, Bobbie

  6. Prayers and hugs and I can TOTALLY relate. I went from throwing up daily to early contraction. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again. You do! Hang in there and you can totally post Eeyore posts. I’ll still read daily;)

  7. You are always in my thoughts and prayers, but now more then ever. Lets hope that you start feeing better this time and it is not the same. I love reading your blog, even though I don’t usually get a chance to comment. If you ever need help in the afternoon let Allie and I know. We are not usually doing anything.

  8. Well I can’t help but wish you a huge congratulations!!! I’m very happy and excited for you!!

    I’m sorry about all the worries–just take it one day at a time. And I can totally relate to the overpowering odor issues–that used to drive me crazy. Just the thought of the Chuck E. Cheese smell-ugh!

    Congrats again!!

  9. Your cautious optimism (emphasis on “cautious”) is warranted, but don’t forget to enjoy this baby every day that you have it! I’ll be praying that you and she/he will make it through with flying colors, and regardless of what happens, that God will show His love for you throughout.

    On another topic, you have something from me on my blog!

  10. I know you are worried, how could you not be? I can totally relate. I had to do IVF to get pregnant, then had a series of complications. I felt like I was walking razor’s edge the whole time I was pregnant. By the end I was almost numb. Hang in there. We are all sending positive vibes your way.

  11. I think your posts have been wonderful. Don’t sell yourself short on your writing prowess.

    I know how you’re feeling. I think you know, I’m an infertile. Both times that I got pregnant were by virtue of medication. And then I was on bed rest for months because of placental separation issues. Both times. We were fortunate, but it was extremely risky. So I understand the “pregnancy does not equal baby” thoughts that are plaguing you just now. I really do. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope for a normal, healthy pregnancy and delivery.

    All the best. (And Congratulations!)

  12. I just found your blog and have been enjoying the posts. I am new so I don’t notice anything not being up to par. My wife was a stranger her first trimester and we muscled thru it. It was like magic the day that 2nd trimester hit. What a difference, she bounced back to life instantly.

    Glad I found your blog.

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