Truly the Worst Xmas Gift Ever

QUICKIE:  I just wanted to thank Andrea for posting a picture of her fridge in response to last week’s post.  It confirms what I thought about my readers: you’re a bunch of smarta**es like me.

And now for the Humor Bloggers’ best/worst Christmas gift ever.  My worst gift ever comes to you straight from last week and involves a large box, some very tiny berries, and about $1,200.

This year, Kevin’s gift was going to blow all other gifts out of the holy water.  He had heard about something called Miracle Fruit that, when eaten, makes anything you eat afterwards taste sweet, no matter its natural flavor.  Well I happened to find a web site that sold them and I purchased a box of 30 fruit for $35.  Su-weet!  A $35 miracle!

My first clue that something was up happened when a $90 bill showed up on the credit card for a company called Miracle Fruits Exchange.  I spent the next few days trying to open the receipt they sent me via e-mail, to no avail.  Meanwhile, the box was delivered.  I took its picture next to a quarter so you can see the general size of it.  Not too shabby, eh?


And inside that box was another box.


And inside that box lay a packet of miracle fruit.


There it is!  A miracle!  My quarter grew eight times in size!

Well, actually, my quarter didn’t change size at all.  You are looking at a $90 packet of 30 very small berries, people.  I felt like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, when he finally receives the Little Orphan Annie decoder pin, only to find out the secret message is an ad about Ovaltine.

Meanwhile, our bank kept calling about recent credit card activity.  They do this often so we didn’t panick at all.  But when we tried to use our credit card and found out the account had been blocked, we panicked a little bit.  Turns out SOMEONE had gotten our credit card info and ordered over $1,000 in cash advances and other purchases to be sent to Romania.  It felt creepy.

Kevin checked out the Miracle Fruits Exchange site, which now looked completely different from anything I remember seeing, and which also sold miracle fruit for $90 not $35, and which also bought their security license the day after I ordered my miracle fruit.

We haven’t tried any of the miracle fruit yet but I’m pretty sure after everything I went through to get it, it’s just going make everything taste bitter.  Next year I think I’ll just get Kevin a tie.

19 thoughts on “Truly the Worst Xmas Gift Ever

  1. I think that I heard about this weird fruit thing on the Today Show… I can’t wait to hear how it works! The next challenge will be finding something to eat in your house that isn’t already sweet. :0)

  2. That sucks. They grow the miracle fruit here in Fl, and it is $$$$ for a while it was illegal to own, (the big sugar growers here felt kind of threatened.)

  3. Well, to make you feel better, my BEST Christmas present ever was this one time when I made the top headlines of someone’s blog, a public blog no less!
    It should have been a dork like me who can hardly cook buying miracle fruit, why are YOU buying them? From what I understand you are the Betty Crocker/Paula Dean/Bobby Flay of all cooks!

  4. Casey: I ALMOST freaked out until I realized E-bay is selling miracle fruit tablets–not the real thing. Then again, is the real thing worth an extra $75? (Plus $1,200 in credit card fraud?)

    Andrea: No prob. What’d you get me??

  5. This makes me want to cry. In fact, I am crying a little bit. I’m going to go take a pregnancy test, because this is sad, but not cry-worthy sad….

    Hope it all works out.

  6. Yikes!

    First I have to say I absolutely love the fridge response pic! That is hilarious.

    Not so hilarious…the magic fruit crap! Actually when you were opening so many boxes, I thought about the Cat in the Hat with little cats A,B,C…you get the drift.

    So sorry to hear about such nasty crap like that! Ugh. Makes me want to become a hermit sometimes…well as long as I have hi-speed internet of course!

    heh heh

  7. Oh no!!!! That is horrible. I’m so sorry for you for having to go through all of that… no fun at all!!!! Hope your Christmas gets much better!!!!!!!


  8. I had never heard of these before–and I’m glad b/c I probably would have ordered them too.

    Please don’t eat them! Maybe you should plant them and see what grows??

  9. Even though you told me this story already, I had to laugh at reading the on-line version. I’m glad you can see the humor in an unsettling experience!

  10. Looks like you were bitten by those modern day Romanian Vampires who go for the financial jugular. I would say Transylvanian, but there is no guarantee that your particular money swilling crook was from that part of Romania.

    My calculating mind notes that $3 per fruit comes in under the $5 “ceiling” on what economists say is the price people will spend on almost anything – the true mad money pricing point. Bet you can resell them for $4.99 “Buy it Now” plus shipping on eBay. That would turn a sour tasting purchase into sweet, profitable, revenge.

  11. For all those concerned, yes my bank is covering the fraud. Coincidentally, I think I’m having an emotional affair with my bank.

    Marvel Goose: Holy crap, that’s some sound advice! I’ll have to go stock up on gigantic styrofoam cases to ship my single berries in!

  12. Stuff like this just ticks me off – I always wonder, if all those horrible people out there would just use their computer hacking/selling brains for good, how much better off would we be? (please don’t hack me – I didn’t mean horrible – I meant creative)

    Please tell me you flushed those things down the toilet? Egad.

  13. Good story. Tell me, were they good? Did they do everything they said they would? You definitely just gave everyone a PSA (Public Service Announcement)

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