Next Time I’ll Just Walk to Chicago

QUICKIE: Vincenzo, after watching the emergency landing video on the airplane: “Oh! That’s exciting!  I didn’t know we were going to land on water!”
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Oh man I’m sooooooooooo tired.  I think it has less to do with changing time zones than from being on constant vigilance at the airport yesterday.  A guy at my gate, for example, scratched his face a few times and I freaked out that he was signaling to some other face-scratch interpreter also involved in his twisted plot to kill us all.  A guy on the other side of the chairs tapped his feet the entire hour.  What kind of people tap their feet?  Nervous ones.  What might make someone nervous?  Their plan to hijack a plane and kill us all.  Etc.

Once we actually boarded the plane, these fears were mixed in with my regular fear of flying.  Every time the captain came on I’d brace myself for this kind of message: “I don’t mean to scare you folks but that last bout of turbulence we just felt was caused by an engine completely falling out of the wing.  And no matter what the flight attendants told you, that  minor change in altitude you just felt actually was something to be scared about as it was the beginning of our freefall to Earth.  And don’t worry about all that water landing information you learned in our safety video because our trajectory should bring our plane right on top of a nuclear plant.  The good news is it looks we’ll be landing three hours before estimated arrival time.  Thank you for flying with us today we hope your experience was a pleasant one.”

The other passengers on the plane might have noticed a paranoid lady lady with shifty eyes who took like 10 bathroom breaks and ate like 10 mini Twix bars.  I might have made them nervous, too, except for the giveaway clue that I wasn’t a terrorist: my bottle of diet Coke.  Because seriously, if you have plans to off yourself in a few hours, are you really going to be worrying about those last five pounds?

WHAT’S COOKIN’ 2NITE:
Hamburgers
Poached Broccoli
Canned Peaches

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